Fe ... a life

Adjourned…

June 21, 2010 in Boo, DH, Toto, family court by Fe | 22 comments

After 5pm on Friday a flurry of emails were sent to my lawyer.

Who was not in her office.

So, late last night, when I got home from a full-on day learning the business side of the photography business, I found a flurry of emails in my inbox regarding today’s court hearing.

DH’s lawyer asked my lawyer to speak for her and to ask for an adjournment for 3 weeks as her “client may reach an agreement”.

This is the second time she’s done this. Not appeared (so DH doesn’t get charged) but asked my lawyer to appear for her (which I have to pay for).

Also, a lawyer calling herself the boys Independent Children’s Lawyer, but who is not the lawyer that we know, sent a new lot of “orders by consent” ordering a SECOND independent expert to be appointed to review the subject and decide upon what’s best for the children.

And ordering that I pay for half of her report. $3,300.

Which would be okay if it wasn’t for the fact that we HAVE a court-appointed psychologist’s report stating STRONGLY that the children should have less time with DH, and that he should attend parenting classes (which of course he has not done), and the children’ lawyer herself (the original one) had very strong opinions that it was NOT in the boys’ best interest to spend more time with DH.

DH and his lawyer are “expert witness shopping”. Asking for more and more opinions until they get one that agrees with them (they requested that the Children’s Lawyer do this at our last failed attempt at mediation).

And it’s OBSCENE that our system not only allows him to do this, but insists that I pay half of the costs of his abuse of the system.

So I responded to those emails that I would NOT pay for my lawyer to attend when DH’s lawyer had declared their intention to adjourn. I also said that I would NOT agree to the consent orders requesting another “expert witness”. I will not put my boys through that experience again, and, furthermore, will not pay for DH’s “expert witness shopping”.

I also passed on information that Toto had given me… saying that his father had told him that his lawyer would not appear for him because he had not paid her in advance. He said that it would take him 3 weeks to get enough money to pay her (*excusemewhileIvomit*). So, it’s not an “agreement” that they’re expecting. It’s purely that DH’s lawyer will not appear for him when he has not paid her in advance.

My lawyer telephoned me early this morning, and agreed with me. She said that she would let DH’s lawyer know that she would NOT be appearing on her behalf, and agreed that I should not, under these circumstances, agree to the Independent Children’s Lawyers’ consent orders.

So it’s another waiting game.

I’m really angry.

ANGRY that again, I am just a punching bag for whatever suits DH and his lawyer. Even today’s interraction will have cost me well over $1000. It’s sickening.

And angry that this is dragging on for my boys. And that DH thinks NOTHING of putting them in front of more psychologists and lawyers.

So, thanks for the emails and texts. I’m okay. Just need to let it all settle.

On my own blog…

June 14, 2010 in Bloggy Stuff, friendship by Fe | 12 comments

I guess I’d forgotten, in my self-imposed head-in-sand-ness, that I have a world of love and support here on my own blog.

Thank you all for understanding and kindness. And for supporting me in my avoidance techniques.

And for just still being here.

xoxox

Even my spammers have lost interest…

June 11, 2010 in Bloggy Stuff, Boo, DH, Photography, Toto, depression, family court, work by Fe | 19 comments

Well, I guess that’s what happens when you ignore your own blog for more than 2 weeks.

*tsk*tsk*

BlogHer has “let me go” too. But that was because I unintentionally broke the rules when I wrote my sponsored Honda post. Fair enough, I guess.

So, if you’re still reading, you’re a good friend.

Or a die-hard.

Things are difficult.

I am SO BORED with writing that sentence.

I’ve been incredibly busy… I went off to Melbourne for a Photographic Exhibition (of the product and suppliers kind as well as the “Photos on the Wall” kind)… am working up to 60 hours a week getting my business off the ground… am struggling with a bulging disc in my back… and with the stress and depression that comes hand in hand with an impending day in Family Court.

The boys seem to be coping well. I’ve got my head in the sand. And it’s going to stay there.

Sorry. I know that doesn’t sound good. But it’s the only way that I can survive this.

So I plan to come back to this, my safe and supportive place.

But please bear with me while I just take one moment at a time.

Not so good…

May 29, 2010 in Air League, Boo, Child Support, DH, Photography, Toto, depression, family court by Fe | 15 comments

The photography job was fantastic. 14 hours of amazing.

But that was only one day.

The rest of it has been hard.

REALLY hard.

Kids really caught in the middle – kind of hard.

Things that send me from normal to crazy in 2 seconds – kind of hard.

Typical DH cruel and abusive treatment of me and the boys – kind of hard.

Stuff I want to forget, so I won’t put here – kind of hard.

But I will say… remember how DH wouldn’t pay Boo’s soccer fees? Well, when Toto asked him for money for an Air League camp… he gave him half ON THE SPOT. Told him to get his mother to pay for the other half, of course, but actually gave him money.

Poor Boo INSTANTLY saw it as another display of favouritism. Which it is.

He’s stopped paying Child Support and has told me that he cannot afford it and will be applying for another Change of Assessment.

This during a period where he has filmed at least 4 national advertisements and 3 print jobs (oh yes, he’s a model with an agent now). Anyone want to hazard a guess as to how much all of that is worth? Anything from $12K to $100K depending upon duration of campaign and whether he spoke or not.

So, I have applied for a Change of Assessment with the CSA. Although god knows how I will cope with that on top of the legal stuff currently going on.

Wish me luck.

What a week. Sheesh…

May 21, 2010 in DH, Photography, depression, family court by Fe | 10 comments

I can’t pretend that I’ve coped well with the latest legal news.

In fact, I’ve really come close to absolutely NOT coping. For all of my experience with this, I just could not see how I was going to make it through this horror once again.

So, for a few days, I let it all be “too much”.

And I’m telling you all so that you don’t think I’m an amazing woman who copes with all the crap that gets sent my way.

I really sometimes DON’T cope.

But for every dark moment, there’s a light moment. Usually not in equal proportion, of course! Yesterday I was asked to be a photographer at a significant event on the Sydney calendar.

I’ve been following this phenomenon for years now. And tomorrow is the first event of it’s kind to be held in Sydney.

And I’ll be there, hiding behind my camera gear, hoping I know exactly who’s who.

Wish me luck!

I should have seen it coming…

May 17, 2010 in DH, Dad, family court by Fe | 15 comments

DH’s silence was because he had called in the lawyers.

Of course.

Got a letter this afternoon.

Court date of June 21.

Yippeeee.

I think I’m going to represent myself. Dad will support me. I have exhausted my borrowing capacity with the legal fees already.

And there is nothing new to add to what we’ve already filed.

Here we go again.

Hullo it’s me, I’m back!!…

May 16, 2010 in Boo, Child Support, DH, Dad, Photography, Toto, friendship by Fe | 20 comments

oh my gawd….

Under legal advice, I sent DH an email asking him if he had any preferences about Boo’s high school education…

No reply.

Two days later I sent another email.

No reply.

Boo is still stuck… He simply can’t make up his mind.

And, 4 days after I sent his father an email asking him whether he gives a **** about his youngest son’s secondary education, no reply.

But that I could have predicted.

You know what’s really pissing me off right now?

I’m pissed off with friends and family who do not stop to consider that I raise my boys on ZERO INCOME.

Friends and family who KNOW that I receive no Child Support from DH. And that I have a HUGE debt with my father for rent and legal fees.

And yet they seriously do not treat my photography business as anything more than a hobby. And they expect me to give everything away to them. And they also treat me as though I have money to burn.

Seriously…. I feel that I have to spell this out….

I have no husband at home bringing in an income to pay my rent.

I receive no Child Support to pay my rent or to pay for school fees or excursions extras or to buy my children food or clothes or to put petrol in my car.

Nothing.

And every time I borrow money to support my family I am adding to a debt which I have no way of paying other than earning money MYSELF. I have no superannuation. I have no savings. I have nothing.

AND… I am working 80+ hours a week building a photography business.

Please consider that.

Sorry to push this on my friends and readers who don’t treat me like a millionaire.

But I did need to put this out there.

The era of me being a pushover is over.

I am putting my boys and myself first.

You (irl friends and family who take advantage of me) can all take a solid second.

And it’s about bloody time (if I do say so myself).

You can call me Jeremy Clarkson…

May 11, 2010 in This is a sponsored post by Fe | 22 comments

This post is sponsored by Nuffnang

Oh the excitement!!

Nuffnang contacted me two Friday mornings ago to ask if I would be interested in test driving the latest model Honda Odyssey for the weekend.

In return for this (and a not-enough-to-make-me-lie amount of money) I was to write a review of the car, and how we used it, and offer a competition to my readers to enable them to win a Honda Odyssey for a day, and $500 with which to spoil the family.

I probably embarrassed myself with the speed with which I accepted this offer. I think I had possession of the car less than 2 hours after the first contact!!

Which has NOTHING to do with my little family’s obsession with Top Gear. Nope. Nothing to do with the thrill I knew I would get when I told my boys that I had turned into the Aussie female version of Jeremy Clarkson in the hours that they spent at school that day. Nope. Nothing to do with the opportunity to have the 3 Top Gear presenters (or variations of) riding around in a Honda Odyssey all weekend. Nope. Nothing to do with that at all.

The lovely chap at Honda promised that my own Honda (yes.. I know! Pure coincidence, that one!) had a safe and snug place to spend the weekend, and gave me a little instruction on how to operate the snazzy new Odyssey.

When he folded down the furthest back seats, we noticed that there was quite a bit of grime on the carpet. That, he explained, was left over from having lent the car to the “Biggest Loser” show. They had only just gotten it back, and although the rest of the car was squeeky, showroom clean, the back bit had obviously missed out on the cleaning action. It looked like the players must have gotten straight in after a midnight earth-moving exercise with the Terminator, or Exterminator, or whatever he’s called.

“Ooooh… the Biggest Loser!” thought I. “Wait ’til I tell the boys that!!”

I must say, I didn’t expect to relish the drive home. In all of the excitement, I hadn’t really stopped to think about whether I’d really ENJOY driving the Odyssey.

But I did. I took the freeway home … purely so that I could accelerate quickly and test out the speed aspect of this delish car.

Phwoar. it flies.

Satisfying speed demon female Jeremy Clarkson – TICK

Once the boys had arrived home from school and picked their jaws up off the carpet, we took it for a spin around our local STEEP streets, while working out ways to make the most of this opportunity.

Boo was sitting way WAY WAY down the back (this car is so roomy that there was almost an echo) when he said “Mum.. there are Easter Egg wrappings in the back seat cup holders!”

BIGGEST LOSER BUST!! IF this car HAS come straight back from the set of the Biggest Loser, then someone on that show has been very very naughty!!! Oh God. It took us ages to stop laughing about that!

Saturday morning came around far too quickly… and we tested the boot capacity as we took coffee, chairs, camera, rugs and newspaper to watch Boo play soccer in the autumn drizzle.

By this point I’m really appreciating the aerodymanics and comfort as I’m madly driving around the back suburbs of Sydney in a desperate attempt the find the soccer field before kick off.

We found it, Boo’s team won, and the Odyssey was the recipient of more than a few admiring glances and comments from some of the other Soccer Mums and Dads.

On Saturday night, the Odyssey took us to a good friend of ours place for dinner. They actually have an earlier model Odyssey, so really enjoyed having a look at the latest model. One of the biggest thrills for the boys was the awesome automatic flattening and lifting of the very back seats. One button does it all (which is incredibly handy when you have your hands full) … and we certainly gave it a good workout over the weekend.

We decided to test the seating capacity of the Odyssey on Sunday. We packed my parents and kids into the car and took off for a long drive along Sydney’s Northern Beaches.

The car handled the curving roads and the sharp corners beautifully. It was wonderful to have my entire family in the seven-seat car without arguments about who sits in the middle.. or “Ow… you’re leaning against me!” coming from the back seat. Everybody had plenty of room, and as a consequence of their comfort, we had a really enjoyable driving day.

In fact, it was a damn near perfect family day.

Which brings me to the exciting competition for you, my readers.

“Fit your perfect family day into the Honda Odyssey”

Honda and Nuffnang are offering 1 lucky reader, across the 8 blogs who are running this promotion, a Honda Odyssey for 1 day AND $500 smackaroos with which to spoil their family.

To enter, simply post a comment, here on my blog, answering the question “What’s your perfect family day?”

The most creative and practical response across all 8 blogs will win the prize! The comp winner will be announced shortly after the competition closing date, 30 May 2010.

The winner will be determined by Nuffnang and Honda, so readers will need to keep their eye on the Nuffnang blog (www.nuffnang.com.au), as well as here.

PS. When i returned the car, I double checked with the lovely Honda guy whether The Biggest Loser had definitely had the car over Easter. Yes they had! They had it until April 18! So…. Biggest Loser BUST!

PPS. I did get to be Jeremy Clarkson. Toto was Richard Hammond and Boo was Captain Slow (James May). Made for some VERY funny conversations!

Mothers’ Day fail (I’m detecting a pattern here)…

May 10, 2010 in Boo, DH, School, Toto, family court by Fe | 10 comments

The migraine didn’t go away, and so my Mothers’ Day was spent at home, in pain.

DH “told me” that I could collect the boys from him at 5.30pm… despite the court order stating that I was meant to have them from 9 – 6 on Mothers’ Day.

And when I did collect the boys, they were absolutely traumatised.

DH had apparently become very angry with Boo, and his anger lasted all weekend. He accused him of “trying to make him look dumb”… (not a difficult feat, I should add)… by talking to him in a condescending tone. This led to a 2-day long rant about how Boo is just like me, and that DH doesn’t have favourites, but that Toto is obedient and polite while Boo is defiant and rude, and therefore he finds Toto easier to deal with.

Interestingly enough, this is the exact opposite of how the boys behave in my house. Toto is a full-on TEENAGER. His tone is rude by default and the selective deafness is incredibly annoying. Boo is still in the last gasp of boy-hood. Both are still affectionate and predominantly polite. And, needless to say, none of this effects my unconditional love for them.

The biggest thing that upset Boo was about his soccer registration.

I wrote here about how DH had gone back on his word and did not pay Boo’s soccer fees. The drama that ensued from that was ugly and embarrassing. DH took it to the soccer club and told them that he would not pay the fees.

Of course, I ended up paying them. And of course, DH has not paid Child Support either.

DH said to Boo… “Your Mother is angry because I changed my mind about paying the soccer fees. Everyone is allowed to change their mind. Your mother is a controlling b*tch.”

I had to count backwards from 10 before I even opened my mouth to respond.

And of course I had to tell my children that “changing your mind” after saying that you will do something is not right. If you do “change your mind” you need to discuss it with the person whom you have made the commitment to. And if it’s a financial commitment, and you owe somebody money, changing your mind about paying is actually illegal.

This is the same man who defended his not admitting to his infidelity when I asked him by saying “I did the right thing. You would have been upset, and so I was protecting you by not telling you the truth”.

Sick. Twisted. Totally ego-centric.

Oh.. and apparently he’s been acting in TV commercials. Great. He’s got 3 national ads coming up, and was an extra in a tv show this evening (which we did NOT watch).

So now I have to see him on the telly. SO NOT FAIR.

Still, the Child Support Agency will have to believe me if I record the ads and give it to them as evidence of his income. He told Toto that he has earned $18,000 from his acting so far.

He also told both boys that I am damaging them, as they have gotten to an age where they need to be raised by a man. “Your mother is not a man, and your grandfather is too old” he said. “You can’t see that you need me to be your primary carer, but when you are older and don’t know how to behave properly as men, you will see that your mother damaged you by keeping you from me.”

*oh god I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or vomit*

He still hasn’t congratulated Boo for getting into the Academic Extension programme at a local high school. “Oh” was the best that he could do.

And when Boo told his that we had also had an interview at Toto’s school, and that Boo has been offered a place there too… another “oh”.

He would never DREAM of asking Boo what he wanted to do. He truly thinks that Boo is too young to have an opinion about his secondary education.

Boo is trying to make the decision himself, with some help from me. We’re writing lots of “pros and cons” lists.

Whichever way we go there will be problems. If he goes to the local school, DH will call the lawyers and say that I made the decision without consulting him. If he chooses Toto’s school, DH will refuse the pay the school fees.

DH has ignored every email or text from me since the beginning of the soccer registration debacle. Oh except one very charming email calling me sexist and x-rated names.

Consult on our second child’s secondary education?

If I thought he was capable of putting Boo’s future and best interests first, then maybe. As it is, there is no point.

Boo is able to discuss it with him if he wants. He doesn’t want to.

Instead, he discusses it with me.

The woman who is “damaging” him because she is not a man.

Brilliant.

Weekend fail…

May 8, 2010 in Boo, DH, Fe, Photography, Toto, friendship by Fe | 7 comments

I had SO many plans for this weekend.

I had a friend from Melbourne visiting last night, had booked 2 days of a photography seminar AND had a 40th birthday to go to tonight.

Which are SERIOUS plans in my neck of the woods.

Last night was so cool. This lovely friend is Boo’s godfather, and has been living in China and the US for the last 4 years. I hadn’t seen him since my trip to Beijing over 2 years ago. It was heaven to just sit and talk solidly for a few hours. Only hampered by his 9.40pm flight back to Melbourne.

But, sod’s law being the rule of my life, I woke up this morning with a migraine. A really not fun one (not that I’ve ever heard of a “fun” migraine) that kept me home from my seminar (which REALLY erked me as it was not free) and struggling with computer screens and telephones.

I finally gave into it, hoping that I would be able to recover in time for the 40th (I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve been invited to a swish do), but it was not to be.

I’m only just able to put up with the computer screen now.

And if I’m still feeling this way in the morning, I will not be attending day 2 of the photography seminar.

The only bright spot? The court order states that I must have the boys from 9 – 5 on Mothers Day. DH, as we all know, ignores the court orders that he spends the big bucks getting, so the “plan” is that they come home at 5pm and stay the night with me.

So, really, as long as the migraine is gone by then….

PS. RIP “Papa Max”. You were a bright spot in my boys’ childhood, and a wise and kind paternal figure to me. You will be so missed.