Photography

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I can’t tell you how excited I am about this!

I’ve gone back to school!  Well, I’m attending a 5 week “Available Light Portraiture” course at a highly respected Photography College.

It’s exciting for a million reasons, but one of the main ones is that I’m doing this with my dear friend Sarah, and we’re both getting three hours a week to pretend we’re grown-ups and use our brain cells for something more than deciding what to feed the kids for dinner.

The teacher, a much lauded street photographer, is someone whose work I admire enormously.  He’s also gorgeous and patient and madly deeply passionate about his craft.  I can’t TELL you how exciting it is to be in a situation where all of the rules are being deconstructed and ideas and opinions are stretching my ideas of what is or is not possible.

Now, like all schools, we have homework.  Our first assignment is quite challenging, and I’ve spent more than a few hours taking and worrying about my interpretation of what is required.  It should be simple, really, but I’ve always been one to worry and try and try to be the best that I can be.

So, I present to you my “Environmental Portrait” of my Dad.

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(of course this may NOT be the pic I end up submitting!  It’s so hard to decide!)

All I know is that I am loving this distraction in the leadup to our Family Court mediation.

The boys saw their lawyer yesterday, after a desperate couple of days during which their anxieties have been sky high.  We’re in kind of “lull” right now, until our mediation next week.  Lot’s of hugging and hand-holding going on.

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My bloggy-lurver Brenda has given me some VERY special  and MUCHO appreciated bloggy love!

Thank you Brenda!  I have noticed!  And I promise, when the mediation is over and my mind can focus on more than one thing at a time, I will fulfill my bloggy-love-recipient duties!

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It’s been a while since I’ve written about my dear ill friend.  Well, she’s not so ill any more (you have no idea how terrifying it is to write that…. I’m so scared that I might jinx her) but she’s still on her way back to being completely well.  She’s been out of hospital for a couple of months now and although some days are better than others, things are definitely miles better than they were.

xoxo

My teenager…

This is what turning 13 looks like in my house….

(all pics taken on my wonderful iPhone, with the groovy ShakeItPhoto app)

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And this is what it looks like when your Mum takes you to “Top Gear Live” for your birthday (for the second year running)….

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Happy Birthday my darling Toto!!

Whew.  I’m through the dark patch.

Hallelujah!

Man it’s not fun when you’re in the middle of it.  And not much fun on the wobbly edges of it.

Thanks for  your kind words and support.  You rock. ;)

My Mum and I did something together today that we have not done since 1990 in London.

We went shopping together.

Those of you who know me in real life know that I hate shopping.  With a passion.  REALLY dislike it.

But Mum and I went to the local shops to find the perfect present for my tall and beautiful first-born son who is turning 13 tomorrow.

And after we found the perfect pressie, we browsed a shoe shop, an optometrists and a crystal/meditation/hippy-woo shop where we bought 2 beautiful Indian shirts.

And we both laughed about the fact that the last time we did that together was when she was visiting me when I lived in London.

We crawled the Kings Road looking for the perfect blazer for my Mum.

And we found it.

And she still has it!

And now I’m remembering that visit, and feeling really warm and fuzzy and enveloped in my Mummy’s love.

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So I’m using distraction therapy to get myself out of the dark patch.  And it’s been working.

I’m working on marketing my photography business.

I’m designing my business cards, my flyers, and planning my marketing strategy because I’m determined to make this business fly.

I wish I could promote my business on this site, but I still need to maintain my anonymity in order to freely discuss the family court stuff.

Still, if anyone wants a photographer in the Sydney area… :) .

xoxoxo

One more pic…

My favourite from the last shoot… (don’t know why I forgot to post it before!!)

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I miss you.

I think of things to share with you, and then when I find a minute to write them down… they’re gone.

In fact, everything seems to be moving away from me right now.

My happiness.

My enthusiasm.

My creativity.

Gone. Gone. Gone.

And in their place, meetings with my lawyers.  Documents to be filed and appointments to be made.

Yep, we’re in the lead-up to another Family Dispute Resolution meeting.  This time it’s to finalise the custody arrangements.

If we can’t agree in the meeting, it’s on to another day in Family Court.

My mind seems to be tripping over itself lately.  Does that even make sense?

The holiday mood vanished very quickly.  It’s just like this time last year…. back to earth with a bang.

And the boys!

My.

The boys seem to do nothing but argue with each other.

It’s driving me insane.

Literally.

*sigh*

But I’ve had some lovely photography clients.

Here’s a snippet of the latest lovely family that let me shoot them…

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So, dear blog, I’ll try to nurture our relationship again.  I will.

But in the meantime, know that you’re never far from my thoughts.

On Golden Pond…

Anyone remember that film?

It was filmed in 1981, was Henry Fonda’s last film, and also starred Katharine Hepburn and Jane Fonda.

I watched it with my boys tonight.

It’s a beautiful film.  It’s about the relationship between a father and his adult daughter.  There’s lots of other stuff going on too, but that’s the main theme.

And when I watched it in my twenties and thirties, it echoed my own relationship with my father.

But when I watched it this evening, in my forties, as well as bawling my eyes out for the past, I realised that, finally, I am my father’s friend.  My relationship with him has turned around.  I don’t long for something that is missing.  I treasure all that is there and accept both of us for exactly who we are.

Very profound.

There is also a “just thirteen” year old boy in the film.  A boys whose divorced father has him for the summer, but who dumps him with people that he has only known for a few hours for a whole month while he goes off to Europe.

The boy struggles with his feelings of abandonment.  Something that my boys could relate to.

It’s a slow film.  Filled with emotion rather than action.

Toto was riveted.  But, as the credits rolled, Boo said “I don’t see the point of that film.  Nothing much happened.”.

So, I have taken away all electronic games for all but one hour a day for the remainder of the holidays and have given them the task of reading the entire “Swallows and Amazons” and “Moomin” series of books.  These were my favourite books as a child, and I still have my very own childhood copies for my own boys to explore.

They need to understand that slow and imaginative can be fun.  I think.

What do you think?  Are my expectations too high?

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The wedding was all that was to be expected.  A big, fun, rollicking country celebration that began in the morning and carried on long into the evening.

Hopefully there will be some lovely pics.  Conditions were not prime.  It was almost 40˙celsius in the shade, and my speedlight kept overheating.  Fingers crossed that most of the important pics are okay.  I will share when I have edited.

I am still shattered from the journey.  It was about 5 1/2 hours drive each way.

Also, my thighs are in AGONY from the crouching and kneeling and leaning and climbing that was required to try to get the good wedding “shots” without being in everyone’s way.  Not an easy task!!

My boys deserve a huge reward for their behaviour over the entire weekend.  They were amazing.  The three of us were crammed together in such close quarters for the entire time, and they were beyond well behaved.  They were also surrounded by “strange” and unfamiliar adults who wanted to know their story and they spoke clearly, looked everyone in the eye, answered questions politely and pretty much blew me away with their mature behaviour.

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We have only a few days left before our annual beach holiday.

Today we saw “Did you hear about the Morgans?”.  What a waste of money!!  The storyline had good potential, but fell flat at every turn, imho.

Tomorrow we’re gathering all of their school gear for the new year.  And then we’ll find other fun, less expensive, ways to fill in our time.

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How are you filling in the last gasp of the long Aussie summer school holidays?

Or, for my northern hemisphere readers… How are you coping with the sudden cold spell?

xoxoxo

It happened!  My boys came home!!  And we spent last night hanging out with “her” and her family and let me tell you…. all was right in my world!

Still is.

Today we drove for about 5.5 hours, until we reached the country town of Wagga Wagga.

“We” being Toto, Boo and I.

And tonight we’re all three tucked up in a pretty squished hotel room.

I call it “making up for lost time!” (we certainly seem to be in smelly bodily emissions :( ).  We couldn’t BE closer!

Tomorrow is a wedding… at which, I am thrilled to say, I will be the official photographer.  Very exciting and very nerve-wracking.

Luckily I have two willing and professional assistants who have been completely prepped and who will be following me with their own cameras as well as my lens bag.  Child labour, I hear you cry?  Phwoff!  It’s called “giving them some responsibility”.  Well, it is tomorrow.

Okay… I’m off now.  Have to reassemble Toto’s sleeping frame in order to find a tiny patch of bed for me to sleep on.

Having to take my boys back to DH’s for their THIRD week away from me was just too much this morning.

We were all tired from having stayed up to see the midnight fireworks.

And I simply lost it.

I found things to be cranky about, and I couldn’t stop crying.  I still can’t.

Which made it SO hard for my poor boys.

I explained to them that it was all about having to take them back, and missing them so much when they’re not here, but that doesn’t make it okay.

According to them, DH goes to work every day, and has people over every night.  They feel like his servants as he tells them what to do in front of his guests, and gets furious if they answer back or tell him that they don’t want to do it.

They spent a lot of time telling me how much they hate being with him for this amount of time.

I know that I should be encouraging them to enjoy their time with him, but the best that I can do is to listen and withhold my opinion.  It is SO difficult.

Only one more week, and then I have them back with me where they belong.

One more week.

Right now that feels like an interminable amount of time.

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My dear ill friend, her husband and their youngest child, came over to watch the 9pm fireworks with us last night.  My brother, s-i-l, nephew and one of my oldest friends, his son and his friend also came over.  My parents were in good form and it really was a lovely little celebratory gathering.

As a tribute to my Dad, and the way that he developed his Ilford black and white film in the 1970’s… I give you my favourite people.. taken in the very first hour of 2010…

Only one more week….

My oxygen mask…

If there’s one thing that I’ve heard this year, over and over and over again, it’s “Don’t forget to put the oxygen mask on yourself first”.

Now I’m sure you all know where that phrase comes from… You know… the safety speech that aircraft cabin crew give you just as you’re taking off…

“All persons travelling with small children and the elderly … put the oxygen mask on yourself before attending to those around you” (or something similar).

And this has been the year where I have needed to heed that advice more than any other.

But what does it really mean?

I’ve been thinking a lot about this, as this tremendous and tremulous year comes to an end.

HOW do I do this?

I know how I’ve been trying to do this, but I’m not that sure that it’s been working.

I’ve been trying to spend “me” time without feeling guilty.

I’ve been trying to work towards a successful and HAPPY career that will eventually get me out of all this legal debt.

I’ve been trying to focus on those that I love and who add to my life, and removing myself from those who take take take emotionally from me without giving me anything in return.

I think the problem word here is “trying”.

I think I need to really “be” in all of those moments.  And somehow find a way to fill my emotional tanks up with all of them so that I can still give to those around me who need my strength.

I have to find a way to be necessarily selfish.  Without guilt.

And it’s hard.

*sigh*

Am I making sense?

Anyway.. that’s my new years’ resolution.  To fill my emotional tanks up with enjoyable and productive tasks.  To do this SO WELL that I will still have plenty left over to continue to support and love those around me who are not doing as well as me at the moment.

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So, from mine to yours….

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

May all of your emotional tanks be filled with love, strength and laughter in 2010.

I bow my head to you all.  I can’t tell you how much I admire and respect and appreciate my wonderful bloggy friends.  I’m not always very good at letting you all know that.  So there it is.

love, Fe.

and Toto…..

and Boo….

The boys have gone to DH’s for the first half of the school holidays.

It isn’t quite as bad as it could be.  They’re coming home for Christmas Eve and for New Years’ Eve.  So, we’ll see each other soon.

In the meantime I’m house-sitting for a friend, which is proving to be less fun than anticipated.  I’ve got so much work to do that I’m coming home everyday to keep on top of it.

Also, I’m meant to be cleaning their pool every day (the poor thing has an ugly green algae infection), but I put my back out moving a huge television into my parents’ apartment, and simply can’t do it.

*sigh*

“She” is terribly ill again.  Still in the hospital, and still in danger.  It looks as though she’ll be staying there until well into the New Year.

On a positive note, thank you to those of you who have booked a photographic session with me!!  I can’t wait to meet you!

I’ve got my first wedding booked for mid-January too.  That is VERY exciting!

Thank goodness I’m too busy to miss my boys.

Well, almost.

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