The very dear and very talented Eveline has given me the “Honest Scrap” award!
The “Honest Scrap” is an award presented to people who express themselves and write from their heart & soul. Awwww. I feel very honoured! Thank you Eveline!
By accepting this award I have to a) nominate 3 other bloggers and b) write 10 things about myself. *gulp*
So I’ll start with b).
ONE:
I love my life. This may come as a surprise to those of you who’ve been reading my blog for a while now, but not to those who know me in real life. Please notice that I did not say that my life was easy. It isn’t. But I value enormously everything that I do have, and try not to dwell on the things that I don’t have, or the things that seen grossly unfair. My children are my raison d’etre, or “reason for being”. This may sound unhealthy or unbalanced to some of you, but for me it is actually a lovely surprise. They really are loving and wonderful little people…. whether this is because of the tough emotional obstacles that life has already thrown in their path, or because of my awesome luck in the big genetic lottery in the sky, I just don’t know. I do know, however, that they really are my favourite people in the world. And that despite, or perhaps because of, some of the crap that we’ve had to endure, the three of us form a happy and healthy little family.
TWO:
I did not want to have children. This explains some of the “surprise” mentioned in paragraph 1. Throughout my twenties, I absolutely knew that I did not want to ever have my own children. This is partly because I was a fully-fledged career woman… living and working all over the world… and felt that I was too “selfish” to be a decent parent, and partly because my political leanings drew me to conclusions of overpopulation of the planet and lack of sustainability and I did not want to be “irresponsible” enough to add to those world problems by procreating. DH and I discussed this when we decided to get married, and he told me that he was in agreement with me. That soon changed though. Although it wasn’t until I accidentally became pregnant, and subsequently miscarried during an extended trip to India, and then mourned the loss of the potential that that baby was, that I realised that I actually did want to have my own babies. It took another 5 years, and many more miscarriages, before my dream was realised.
THREE:
I have a crush on a famous person. I know! I KNOW! It’s the only crush I’ve ever had, and it has lasted for 33 years and is as strong as it was when I was first introduced to this person’s music.
It’s James Taylor. He’s HUGELY famous in America, but, in my experience, not so here in Oz. My oldest brother gave me my first JT album when I was 11, and it was love at first play. I have seen him perform every time he has toured here (there’s another tour early next year! Yippeeeee!) and have also been lucky enough to see him perform in London, Amsterdam, New York, Boston and San Francisco. Seriously! At my very first James Taylor concert ever, I ran down the front and he touched my hand!! I KNOW!!!! And here’s the really embarrassing thing. When I was living in the US, I went to the town that JT lived in just to wander around and know that he spent lots of time there. By huge coincidence, he walked out of the Post Office, and I followed him as he walked all the way home. *blush*. Man that was thrilling! (I think I was lucky that it was way before we’d ever heard of “stalkers”!)
FOUR:
I am absolutely disorganised. There. I’ve said it. Every now and then I have a HUGE burst of energy and organise my entire home and office. A couple of weeks later… it’s back to it’s usual shambles. I’m kind of used to it, I guess.
FIVE:
My favourite things in the whole world, other than my kids and my parents, are my friends. I used to own property and have a decent share portfolio. Now I’ve got a miniscule bank balance but am rich in friendships. I much prefer it this way.
SIX:
If I could be anyone in the entire world…. I’d choose to be me. Maybe a bit thinner and prettier, but still me. I’d even take the me that has DH as an ex-husband, because without him I would not have had my beautiful boys. I’d definitely stick with the me that is single. And I’d stick with the me that is going to have a thriving photography business in the not too distant future. I couldn’t bear to miss out on THAT me!!
If I had to choose someone other than myself, I’d choose to be Barack Obama. Seriously. What a ride that guy is on!!!! Oh… and if I had to be a female, I’d HAVE to choose Oprah. Not very original, I’m sure… but ALL THAT PUBLIC SWAY! I love the way she doesn’t abuse it. I just love the way she’s still so “real”.
Hmmm… or maybe James Taylor’s wife?! 
Oh, hang on, I think I’d actually choose to be my Danish friend Lisa. She is one of the most honest and brilliant and beautiful women that I know (and that’s saying something!) and she has had an amazing fairy-tale life. She married her “Count” (literally), has two BEAUTIFUL boys, and is living happily ever after. He is also one of my most favourite people. Lisa and I have known each other since we were 18, and we have a friendship that has never faltered. Yep, if I had to choose someone that I knew… it would be Lisa.
SEVEN:
I have had three great “love affairs” in my life. I think I’m actually pretty lucky to have had three. The first one was filled with angst and didn’t have a happy ending… well, it actually didn’t have an ending at all. It was a very complicated, intense, dramatic relationship, and I was very insecure and quite sure that I wasn’t good enough for him and that he would wake up one day and figure that out for himself. I returned to Australia to be bridesmaid for a friend, met DH, and decided to stay. That was it. No more contact. I often try to look him up on the great World Wide Web, but he has a reasonably common name and I have had no luck. In retrospect, I’m also pretty sure that I am “the girl who broke his heart” and that he, understandably, wouldn’t want to hear from me after all these years.
The second one was DH. I know, I know. But we had 5 incredibly wonderful years together before it all went to hell in a handbasket. That’s why it hurt SO much. I was absolutely and irrefutably in love with him when he simply walked out on me.
The third one ended just over two years ago. It only lasted a year, but it was the happiest and healthiest relationship that I have ever had. I can’t tell you why he ended it, because he has never really told me. But end it he did. In a cruel and tortuous manner. One day things were wonderful and we were in love and discussing marriage, and the next day (literally) he telephoned me and told me that his ex-girlfriend was returning to the country and that our relationship was over. Without any further and more satisfactory explanation. We have a good friend in common, and are in contact occasionally, and I know that he now regrets his actions and realises just how special our relationship was, but that doesn’t really take the pain away.
And I guess that leaves me right where I am today. I am happy being single, although I miss being “in love”. It might be because my heart is still bruised, but I just cannot imagine allowing myself to be that vulnerable to another human being ever again. And I definitely do not want to risk bringing another man into my boys’ life only to have him arbitrarily end things. So…. maybe when the boys have left home. Although I won’t feel deprived if I’m on my own for the long haul. I’ve had great romantic love in my life… just none that stood the test of time.
EIGHT:
I have always had a passion for photography. I remember receiving my first Kodak Instamatic camera when I was about 10 years old, and LOVING it!! I would save up my pocket money to buy and process the films. I still have photo albums filled with pics that I took with that 1970′s icon! My travels around the world are well documented also, although with a much nicer SLR camera, and I derive great pleasure from trawling through the numerous albums which contain all of those photos. And now, well, now I have the opportunity to turn that passion into a career. And I can’t tell you how exciting that is.
I always thought that there was a HUGE and insurmountable gap between the photographs that I took and the photographs taken by professional photographers. I’ve only recently begun appreciating that I have an “eye” for photography, and that, combined with knowledge and experience gained over years, has prompted me to “close that gap” and declare myself a professional at last! I will keep learning and developing my skills and hope to one day become the best that I can be. In the meantime, I’m enjoying sharing my talents with those around me.
This doesn’t mean that I’m giving up on my other career. I have some regular teaching gigs that I love, and that I plan to continue doing. I also have a few counselling clients whom I will continue to see. I will also take on more, if I feel that I can be of particular help. What I won’t be doing, however, is focusing on building up a private practice. I’ve done that once before (before I had my babies) and the effort seems insurmountable right now. Which makes sense when you think of everything else that is going on in my life.
Photography will be my focus. I feel so lucky to have reached this point, and to have the opportunity to be able to turn a passion into a profession.
NINE:
I have very complicated relationships with my brothers. It really saddens me, and I’m finding this very difficult to write. My oldest brother and I seem to be finding our way back to each other… partly through a shared love of photography… and this fills my heart in ways that I cannot find words to express. My other brother and I seem to have lost each other completely. There’s been no particular falling out… just an absence of friendship. I’ve tried, over the years, to re-establish our relationship, but I kind of think there’s nothing to re-establish. Perhaps we’ve just left it too long.
TEN:
Haven’t I said enough already?
Hmmmm. Let me think. There’s some really heavy stuff that I’ve been thinking of blogging about lately, but haven’t had the courage to do so. Perhaps now would be a good time. Hidden this far down a wordy post that not many people will read.
Okay. I’ve been raped. Twice. And I’ve been wanting to blog about it because I think it is still something that is shrouded in shame and embarrassment. I kind of think that by talking about it, it might help others to feel not quite so alone.
The first time was a man that I worked part-time for while I was at school. I admired and liked this man. And one day he asked me over to his house for dinner. I was elated! But when I arrived he quickly became a completely different, very angry, man. He tried to kiss me, and when I refused his advances, he used extreme violence to get his way.
I ended up crawling out of his house when he had finally fallen asleep, and was found by a neighbour who was taking his rubbish out. He called an ambulance, and I was taken to the hospital where I received around 10 stitches (he had used a knife to overpower me) and was treated for concussion.
This is the REALLY sad bit. He turned up at the hospital the next day with red roses. He apologised to me, and I forgave him.
My parents were away for the weekend, and I didn’t tell them about it for a long time.
My self-esteem was so low. I can’t even relate to the girl that I was then, but she thought that she wasn’t worth very much. She thought that she had somehow brought it upon herself. And she didn’t pursue any legal action.
The second time was when I was staying in Los Angeles. I was staying with a friend of my parents’, and she organised for a friend of hers to take me out for dinner. During the meal, he asked me “where” we were going to “do it”, and I responded with “We’re not.”. So, instead of driving me back to my digs, he took me to his house and dragged me out of his car. It was long and violent, and I remember having a sense of watching it unfold from somewhere near the ceiling. I literally had an out-of-body experience.
The next day he behaved as though we were in a relationship. He took me to breakfast and then back to my temporary home… making plans to meet up again for dinner.
That day, I packed my bags and moved into a hostel, and made plans to leave LA the next day. I flew to some other family friends in Taos, New Mexico, and was surrounded by love and healing while I recovered.
I guess that’s why I really really dislike Los Angeles. And why I really love Taos.
********
Well, I guess I took the “honest” in the “honest scrap” award very literally! Hope it wasn’t TMI for you.
Okay, the three people that I am tagging (and I apologise in advance because finding 10 things to write can be pretty daunting!) are:
Alison at Three Times Kewl
Jennie at Copenhagen Follies
and Ali at Callapipper Tree.
I hope you can forgive me!!
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