Mum

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The sun is well and truly out…

February 10, 2010 in London, Mum, Photography, Toto, depression, family court by Fe | 13 comments

Whew. I’m through the dark patch.

Hallelujah!

Man it’s not fun when you’re in the middle of it. And not much fun on the wobbly edges of it.

Thanks for your kind words and support. You rock.

My Mum and I did something together today that we have not done since 1990 in London.

We went shopping together.

Those of you who know me in real life know that I hate shopping. With a passion. REALLY dislike it.

But Mum and I went to the local shops to find the perfect present for my tall and beautiful first-born son who is turning 13 tomorrow.

And after we found the perfect pressie, we browsed a shoe shop, an optometrists and a crystal/meditation/hippy-woo shop where we bought 2 beautiful Indian shirts.

And we both laughed about the fact that the last time we did that together was when she was visiting me when I lived in London.

We crawled the Kings Road looking for the perfect blazer for my Mum.

And we found it.

And she still has it!

And now I’m remembering that visit, and feeling really warm and fuzzy and enveloped in my Mummy’s love.

********

So I’m using distraction therapy to get myself out of the dark patch. And it’s been working.

I’m working on marketing my photography business.

I’m designing my business cards, my flyers, and planning my marketing strategy because I’m determined to make this business fly.

I wish I could promote my business on this site, but I still need to maintain my anonymity in order to freely discuss the family court stuff.

Still, if anyone wants a photographer in the Sydney area… .

xoxoxo

Another goodbye …

January 1, 2010 in Boo, DH, Dad, Mum, Photography, Toto, depression, family, friendship by Fe | 10 comments

Having to take my boys back to DH’s for their THIRD week away from me was just too much this morning.

We were all tired from having stayed up to see the midnight fireworks.

And I simply lost it.

I found things to be cranky about, and I couldn’t stop crying. I still can’t.

Which made it SO hard for my poor boys.

I explained to them that it was all about having to take them back, and missing them so much when they’re not here, but that doesn’t make it okay.

According to them, DH goes to work every day, and has people over every night. They feel like his servants as he tells them what to do in front of his guests, and gets furious if they answer back or tell him that they don’t want to do it.

They spent a lot of time telling me how much they hate being with him for this amount of time.

I know that I should be encouraging them to enjoy their time with him, but the best that I can do is to listen and withhold my opinion. It is SO difficult.

Only one more week, and then I have them back with me where they belong.

One more week.

Right now that feels like an interminable amount of time.

********

My dear ill friend, her husband and their youngest child, came over to watch the 9pm fireworks with us last night. My brother, s-i-l, nephew and one of my oldest friends, his son and his friend also came over. My parents were in good form and it really was a lovely little celebratory gathering.

As a tribute to my Dad, and the way that he developed his Ilford black and white film in the 1970’s… I give you my favourite people.. taken in the very first hour of 2010…

Only one more week….

Just because…

December 11, 2009 in Boo, DH, Mum, Photography, School, Toto, depression, family court, friendship by Fe | 4 comments

Things are pretty busy around here.

I’m grateful that I’m over the last DH dilemma. Thanks again, Internetz. You really were awesome.

No, it’s all about the end of the school year and the beginning of the first holidays in which DH is going to have the boys for half of the time.

He’s never had them for more than a week at a time in the past. Except when he took them to Canada, and even then, he dumped them with some friends on Vancouver Island and went off travelling on his own.

But now that we’re taking the Interim Court Orders literally, he is insisting on having them for the 20 days that constitute the first half of the holidays.

And the boys are panicking.

I’ve sent DH an email telling him that I’ve willing to have the boys during the week if he is working. He replied with “I’m not planning to work, but if I do, I will keep that in mind.”.

Fingers crossed.

********

Toto is improving unbelievably with his trombone playing.

Year 7 had a musical concert of their own last week, and Toto performed in 8 separate groups! He was far and beyond the most outstanding player, and was confident and steady all the way through.

He’s been begging me for a new trombone for nearly a year now. He’s been using a “Yamaha Student Trombone” for the past 5 years, and has well and truly outgrown it.

The problem is, the trombone that he wanted starts at about AU$5,500.

Gulp.

Last week, his trombone teacher emailed me to let me know that he had organised a special deal, just for Toto, at a Woodwind shop that he frequents. The object of Toto’s desire could be his for just AU$1990.

It really was too good to pass up, so I bought it. DH has emailed me that he will pay half, but then again, pigs might fly.

In the meantime, Toto is in AGONY knowing that the trombone is in the building (it’s hidden in my Mum’s closet) and that he can’t play it!!

Roll on Christmas.

********

My Mum had a bone scan today which revealed that her pubic bone has not healed.

This is terrible, but not surprising, news.

She’s been ordered back to bed rest.

Yeah. Good luck with that one!

********

“She” is much better!! Finally, finally, finally!

She’s still in the hospital, but has a possible release date of next Wednesday.

I can’t tell you how much of a relief this is. She’s been frighteningly, dangerously ill and in hospital for over 8 weeks now.

But she’s turned a corner.

********

Just because…

Boo…

Booclose1_10x8

The Cast of Characters…

November 27, 2009 in Air League, Boo, Child Support, DH, Dad, Mum, NaBloPoMo, Toto, depression, family, family court, friendship, home, post-natal depression by Fe | 5 comments

My newest commenter, Sara, asked me the following question:

“I always long for a “cast of characters” when reading a new blog and i checked your about section and wasn’t given much information i am lost reading some of your posts, wondering who is who and maybe once i read back a bit more, i’ll figure it all out. but that’s what my question is, i guess! who are the most important people in your life and what is your relationship to them?”

I thrilled with this question, as I have never stopped to think how confusing this blog can be to new readers.

So, here is my “Cast of Characters”…

Toto:

… my 12 year old first born son. His passion is flying, and he has joined the Australian Air League and plans to have his pilots’ license before his drivers’ license. He struggled through primary school… surrounded by teachers with low-expectations of him and an idea of himself as “not bright”. Now that he’s in High School, he is surrounded by teachers who admire and appreciate him, and his grades have soared to the point where he is consistently at or very near the top of his class. He now knows that the world is his oyster, and he is a delightfully confident child in all things academic. Sadly, he is anxious in all matters relating to his father.

Toto was 9 months old when his father left us.

Boo:

Boo is my 11 year old son. He is bright and funny and brings humour to our daily lives. Schoolwork has always been easy for Boo, and his main focus is his social life. He’s such a happy-go-lucky boy, except on issues relating to his father. Both Toto and Boo agree that DH favours Toto, and Boo often comes home from overnight visits with a broken heart.

Boo was not born when his father left us.

DH:

DH (Dick Head, not Dear Husband) is my ex-husband.

Some of our story is here on my old blog.

The rest of it is chronicled on this blog.

He’s litigious and mean and I wish that he would move far far away so that my boys could grow up with peace and security.

As it is, he is currently taking us through the Family Court in an attempt to have the boys live with him 50% of the time. Neither boy wants this, and DH has even been advised by the family court counselor that it would be damaging for the children for him to pursue this legal action. The fact that he has not shown an interest in being anything other than an “every second weekend” dad over the past 11 years is very telling. It is very likely that he is pursuing this action in order to minimise future Child Support obligations.

Earlier this year (2009), he took me through Family Court in order to erase 11 years of unpaid Child Support.

He won.

“Her/She” or “my dear ill friend“:

We met in the post-natal ward of a psychiatric hospital in 1998. We were admitted on the same day, and discharged on the same day, three months later. Forming close friendships in that environment is actually frowned upon, as dependencies can hamper recovery. Regardless of this, she and I formed an instant bond, which has strengthened throughout the intervening years.

When we left the hospital, I moved into a house just around the corner from hers, and we helped each other with our kids and with our recoveries. I stayed there for 5 years.

Her husband has also become one of my closest friends, and provides a wonderfully healthy male role model for my boys. Boo is best friends with her son also. A lovely side benefit of our friendship.

She has struggled on and off with her depression over the intervening years, as have I. But in September of 2008, she fell into a deep, dark, terrifying black hole, and she has been in and out of the psychiatric hospital ever since.

It’s been a case of two steps forward and three steps backward. I have complete faith that she will recover from this horrendous depressive episode, but it’s taking an awfully long time.

Mum and Dad:

My boys and I live in an apartment owned by, and next door to, my parents. We are the only apartments on our level, and the front doors are usually open and we wander freely between both apartments.

My poor Mum has had a terrible time of it lately. She has recently lost nearly all of her vision, and is also recovering from a horrendous fall which left her with broken ribs, broken sacrum, broken vertibrae and broken pelvis.

She’s an amazing woman who is managing to smile, most of the time, despite all of this. My boys are very close to her and my Dad, and we love the close proximity.

My Dad is suffering from arterial damage to his legs, and his mobility has diminished quite a lot over the last couple of years. That doesn’t stop him from being a whizz on the computer, and from doing the cryptic crosswords everyday! He has been a particular strength to me throughout the recent court proceedings.

********

I hope that this makes sense, and helps my new readers better understand my daily rantings.

Please ask me questions if there is anything else that I can clarify, or if I’ve left anything out.

xoxo

Lows and highs …

November 17, 2009 in Mum, NaBloPoMo, School, Toto, depression, friendship by Fe | 4 comments

My wonderful shrink has been away for 3 weeks.

I’ve been doing really well. My meds are keeping me at a very even keel, and if it wasn’t for the occasional down times that I’ve had recently (all documented here) I would be saying that my depression is completely under control.

But today I walked into her room, and burst into tears.

All the stress… all the stuff that’s going on… the impending court hearing, my ill friend, my ill Mum, starting a new business, the boys constant bickering… all came pouring out in floods of tears.

And then it was all gone.

And I felt so much better.

She’s tough, my shrink. No nonsense. And she gives me wise advice and staunch support.

She did that this morning. She was cross with me for taking on too much and proud of me for coping so well.

But mainly, mainly, she gave me a safe place to let it all out.

********

Tonight I had to drive Toto into school at 6pm as he had volunteered to assist in the Year 7 2010 Orientation Evening. It’s a 5 minute drive from home to his school (which is in the middle of the city), but because of peak hour, it took me 25 minutes to get in there… and a whopping 1 1/4 hours to get home! Which gave me 30 minutes before I had to turn around to go back in time to find a car park and be waiting at the school gate to collect him at 8pm.

Knowing how desperately difficult it is to park near the school (especially when there is a school event on), my Mum came with me to wait at the gate in case I couldn’t park. Ummmm… why wasn’t I thinking when I agreed to that?

The poor crippled thing walked around and around trying to find Toto. She had brought only one crutch, and it wasn’t enough. By the time he came out of the school, FIFTY MINUTES LATE, she was in agony.

And I was fuming!! It’s a school night, for god’s sake! And Toto still had homework left to finish!

I know it wasn’t his fault, and I wasn’t angry with him for one second, but this was just inconsiderate! Apparently they delayed the start because some of the parents could not find anywhere to park their cars. This instantly meant that they knew that the parents who had been instructed to “wait at the gate at 8pm” to collect their Year 7 boys would be inconvenienced.

There were lots of parents waiting at the gate. And they were ALL fuming!

Some had very young kids with them, and others, like me, had another child waiting at home alone.

I’m going to write to the headmaster in the morning. I adore that man, but in order to avoid it happening again, he has to learn the ramifications of his decisions.

Thank you…

November 14, 2009 in Boo, Mum, NaBloPoMo, Toto, depression, friendship by Fe | 7 comments

It took me a few days to press “publish” on the last post. It’s not that I didn’t want to share, it’s just that it was scary… putting that extremely personal stuff out there.

You all enveloped me in a comforting hug. Confirming, yet again, that you are my soft place to fall.

So… after all of that… it’s pretty hard to think of a blog post for today.

I am NOT, however, going to fail at this NaBloPoMo thingy!!

I will give you a few updates.

My Mum is feeling much better. Her eye has recovered, although sadly her vision hasn’t. Her injuries from the fall are still painful, but she’s graduated from a zimmer frame to using two walking sticks! I’m very proud of her!

My dear friend is still the same. We’re waiting for the new medication to kick in. Apparently she’s got a couple of more weeks until she knows whether it’s working or not.

We did our usual Saturday night thing, and the boys and I picked her up and took her to her home, where we all had pizza and messed about before driving her back to the hospital..

My boys have been bickering non-stop for the last couple of days. It is driving me batty! I remember that my brothers’ were like that with each other at that same age. They were SO bad, in fact, that my parents sent one of them to board at school. They were in the same year (no, not twins, just 13 months apart) and one got to go home each evening and the other had to go to the boarders’ house. I used to think that that was a terribly cruel thing to have done, but now that my two are at each others’ throats, I can understand that the desire to separate them can be overwhelming.

Well, I can’t afford boarding school.

Perhaps I’ll invest in some earplugs instead.

My poor Mum…

November 6, 2009 in Mum, NaBloPoMo, Photography, depression, friendship by Fe | 2 comments

… had eye surgery this morning.

It was awful. And she was scared. And there is no guarantee that it will have worked.

So right now, she’s having 2 hourly eye drops, is wearing a huge and unattractive eye patch, and is as blind as a bat (because the surgery was on her “good” eye).

And my darling friend is having the most terrible day. She was completely enveloped in her illness when I visited her this morning, and I miss her.

My day was busy, but definitely had a high point.

I visited Super Sarah! We exchanged some Photoshop tips, and I got to hang with her and her adorable girls for a good hour or two. It was a blissful interlude in an otherwise unhappy day.

Here’s a pic of two beautiful sisters who simply did not stand still for a minute! I loved this glimpse of “being an older sister” when the older one looked straight into my lens…

A second daily post during NaBloPoMo? Unbelievable!…

November 5, 2009 in Mum, NaBloPoMo, Photography, depression, friendship by Fe | 11 comments

I can’t quite believe that I’m doing this, but I’ve been re-reading my blog, and I feel as though I’ve lost the honesty and “blogging as therapy”-ness that I used to write with.

So, I’m going to put this stuff out there right now, while I have the gumption …..

My darling friend is in a bad, awful, terrible, horrendous, horrific, unbearable, un-manageable place.

And today, when I was visiting her in the hospital (as I do every day), I bumped into the nurse that gave me a hiding over a year ago (see here).

My job, as I see it, is to convince my darling friend, on nearly an hourly basis, that she is going to survive this. That this is an illness and not a way of life. That she is still the amazing woman that she has been, and that this cursed illness will succumb to the new treatment that she is going on.

It’s a tough job.

And today, she recognised that.

She is usually way too ill to think about how this effects me. And I understand that totally. But today, when I told her about my Mum (I’ll tell you all in a minute), she said that she couldn’t understand how I could cope with all of that AND her. She expressed guilt at being such a needy friend. She said that I should forget about her and focus on my immediate issues.

And I was able to tell her, with all honesty, that I AM coping. I am able to handle everything that is on my plate right now. I said that, as she knows, that isn’t always the case, and that I always “put the oxygen mask” on myself first. And that right now, I’m not even questioning my time spent with her.

You see, she really is my dearest friend here in Oz. She and her husband love me and my boys… without question or condition. When she is well, she is my easiest and most comforting friend. She just is.

Which makes all of this stuff unquestionably worth it.

She has just been nominated for her ‘nth AFI award (and I can say that comfortably without anyone being able to find her identity) for an episode of a television series that she wrote while suffering from this debilitating illness. She is, at the moment, the most AFI awarded screenwriter in Australia. And I am SO proud of her.

But, she is terrified of attending the awards alone (her hubby will have to look after the kidlets), so I have offered to go with her.

She contributes SO much to intelligent Australian entertainment. She contributes to society in many other ways as well.

And seeing her alone and and so debilitated in a psychiatric hospital is so hard.

She WILL get better. For some god-knows-how reason, I actually believe that to the depth of my soul. I cannot succumb to the notion that she won’t.

And to top things off, the poor thing has lump on the back of her hand which she has convinced herself is a skin cancer. When you’re in the depths of depression, it is all or nothing. All of the time.

So, I have booked her an appointment with a Skin Cancer Specialist next week. And I got permission from the wonderful but scary nurse to take her to it. At this stage, I will do ANYTHING to help reassure and comfort her.

*sigh*

My Mum. Both of my parents have macular degeneration. The wet (bad) kind. For a few years now they have been having regular injections in their eyeballs in an effort to halt the progression of the disease.

And yesterday my Mum developed an infection from her injection.

Her eye is infected. Which is a terrifying and incredibly dangerous thing.

I rushed her into the specialist this morning, but he didn’t sound optimistic.

She’s on a rigorous routine of eyedrops in an effort to quell the damage. But she might need surgery.

The upshot is that the infected eye was her “good eye”. She has now lost nearly all sight in that eye, and is therefore almost totally blind.

This, on top of her physical problems right now, is a terribly difficult thing to have to deal with.

She’s struggling.

So, there you have it, Internetz. And, with all of this going on, I’m okay. Truly Ruly.

I’m even going to give you another photo to comment upon!

I can’t tell you how much your comments mean to me! Honestly, it’s been scary to put this stuff out there…. And you’ve all been incredibly kind and supportive.

This one reminds me of “her”…

The void…

September 25, 2009 in Boo, Child Support, DH, Mum, Toto, depression, family court, friendship by Fe | 9 comments

There is a BIG void in my life now.

I had no idea how much energy it took to live with the fact that DH wasn’t paying his Child Support, and the belief that justice would be served at some point.

It’s almost as if I’ve lost a gangrenous limb.

I know that sounds overly dramatic, but it’s absolutely how I’m feeling.

I am not having to fill my time with inane things in order to block out the heavy stuff. I’m free to fill my time with more productive and enjoyable pursuits.

And it feels amazing.

Of course, I’d love to fill my time with income-generating activities, but it’s almost as satisfying to be filling it with playing games with my boys and organising and cleaning my home.

And when the aftermath of the GFC* has lifted, I know that I’ll be in a better head-space to be able to chase the consulting work that has so drastically disappeared.

All I need now is for my Mum to be home and out of pain, and for my dear friend’s long and hideous depressive episode to be over.

And then all will be right in my world.

Thank you, everyone, for your wonderful words of love and support. I wouldn’t have found my way to this level of comfort without you.

*Global Financial Crisis

Reality…

September 16, 2009 in Boo, Child Support, DH, Dad, Mum, Toto, depression, family court by Fe | 15 comments

Thanks for all your well-wishes for my Mum.

She’s much worse off than we first thought. She has a broken pelvis, cracked vertebra (L2), broken ribs and damaged sacrum.

She’s still in the public hospital, waiting for a bed in a re-hab hospital to become available. She’s in great pain but is managing to maintain good spirits. Amazingly.

The last few days have been unbelievably tough. It’s been a bit like a slow motion bungee jump. Mum’s fall combined with the court verdict was the moment that I stepped off the ledge, and it took a while for me to really hit the depths of my emotional response. I’m still tied to the elastic band by my ankle, slowly bouncing up and down.

Dad and I met with the Barrister and Lawyer this morning. We have 7 days from the court date in which to decide whether we want to apply for a Hearing ‘de novo’ (a full new hearing) or not. Those 7 days run out tomorrow.

They gave us great arguments for and against a new hearing. The scariest one against the idea was that we may well get another judge who is also “freaked out” by the complexity of our case (the Judicial Registrars’ own words) and who decides to take the easy way out and wipe the debt again. Also, as we would be the Applicant in the new hearing, if we lose the case it is likely that we would have to pay DH’s costs.

The general agreement is that our case was lost simply because the law has changed since our original court orders were written (August 1998). The court orders that we had then could not be written today, but were valid when they were written. The content was okay, but the format and wording would not satisfy current law. The Judicial Register that heard our case last week decided that they were invalid and therefore the debt accrued was null and void. It is a “coin-toss” (my lawyer’s words) as to whether a new Judge would decide the same thing, or would consider both sides’ arguments and make a decision based upon evidence submitted. My Barrister and Lawyer both agree if the case is decided upon evidence submitted, we would get a much better result.

There were several legal omissions in the Judicial Registrar’s summation. We cannot mention them in the hearing ‘de novo’, but we can choose to enter the summation as evidence and to let the new Judge read it and decide it for him/herself. The problem with this is, we cannot get a copy of the summation before we lodge our application for a new hearing. And, once that application is made, the Judicial Registrar is allowed to make changes to his original summation. He could, quite legally, change it completely (although not the verdict) in order to cover his own … ummm … backside. If he does this, and the new Judge decides that the original verdict was fair and just and legal, we would almost definitely lose and be forced to pay both sides’ costs. The fact that the original summation can be changed retrospectively makes my brain warp. It is an incredibly unfair handicap.

It’s a gamble. A total gamble. And I’m not a gambling woman.

So, my Dad and I drove up to the hospital and discussed it with Mum. Both of my parents are ABSOLUTELY decided that we have to pursue this. And, although I am terrified, I have agreed with them. They are prepared to cover the costs themselves, as a loan to me, and feel sure that we need to see this through in order to avoid questioning whether we did all that we could.

My only question is how I would cope if we received an even harsher verdict the second time around. I am, however, prepared to find out.

The fact that we lost, and the effect of that upon my spirit and my mental health, has effected both children. Toto is now worried that we may lose the Parenting hearing and is terrified that they might have to live with DH full time. I have reassured him that that will simply not happen, but in my heart I’m terrified about it too.

I have no faith in the idea of justice.

I have no faith in karma.

I have no faith.

And Boo, upon finding me in tears again the other night, made me promise that I would not commit suicide. What an incredible thing for an 11 year old to ask his mother. I promised him adamantly that I would never do that to him and Toto, but I am devastated that it is even in their consciousness. They are so connected to my mood. And my mood is very low.

I am, however, here. I’m taking it one hour at a time. I’m telling myself that the only way is “up” from here. But I’m struggling to believe it.

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