family

You are currently browsing the archive for the family category.

No no… my pleasure…

July 28, 2010 in family, family court, opinion by Fe | 4 comments

If you haven’t watched “Outnumbered”, a BBC sitcom, then you’ll thank me for introducing it to you.

It is honestly one of the cleverest telly programmes I’ve ever seen. The kids are BRILLIANT! Apparently most of the dialogue is unscripted… they just let the kids ramble on and they say the funniest things!

********

Things are okay here. I’m getting used to it all again… or something.

We had a celebration for my oldest brothers’ 50th birthday last weekend. Kind of makes me feel old.

It is so screamingly obvious that my brothers and their wives don’t ever mention DH or the legal stuff to me. Ever. My parents do, and I’m sure that they pass the information on to my brothers, but I really do wish that I had some support from my siblings.

My shrink says that I should toughen up and stop expecting miracles.

Hmmm.

Thank God for you lot

My brothers…

April 23, 2010 in family by Fe | 4 comments

Is it just me, or could this be Toto and Boo at the same age?

My brothers… circa 1963…

Have they all gone?

April 20, 2010 in Dad, Photography, family by Fe | 9 comments

I’m kind of keeping this blog very staid until I’m sure that my less like-minded friends have moved on.

Most have (thank God for site meters!) but … until I’m sure…. I think I’ll stick to pictures.

(I’m itching to vent about a couple of things!)

So… here is my family, celebrating my Dad’s 86th birthday recently… (well, everyone except my darling boys)…

I’m so angry…

March 15, 2010 in Boo, DH, Toto, family, family court, opinion by Fe | 12 comments

I know it isn’t doing me any good, I know it.

But I cannot help it.

I keep stopping mid-anything and feeling overwhelmed with ANGER that DH is getting away with this.

That, even though the Family Court counsellor, nearly 12 months ago, and the Independent Children’s Lawyer, and the children themselves have said that it is DAMAGING to DH’s relationship with the boys for him to have them overnight on a school night, the system is allowing him to have his way and keep the Sunday night until we get a court hearing date.

I am SO angry that the best interests of the children are being ignored so that DH can have his “legal rights” protected.

And I am SO ANGRY that this second mediation, which was only meant to be an evaluation of how the situation has been working out, turned into a demand for financial changes and a demand for DH to get his way…. IGNORING the best interests of the boys.

How can this be, in a system that is supposed to be about the best interests of the children?

How can this HUGE and DAMAGING mistake be allowed to continue?

In retrospect, the mediator was pretty inept. She stated at the get-go that she was a Barrister, and it was obvious that she was running the show like an adversarial system rather than a mediation. She should not have asked our lawyers to provide a history of 13 years of custody. The whole point of mediation is that we try to find something to agree upon and build upon that. Asking for our history is about giving her information in order for her to make a judgment, and was also only ever going to make us feel on the defensive. It should not have happened.

And, she should not have allowed DH to introduce financial matters. It was outside the scope of this second mediation… and particularly inappropriate as we have had our financial matter heard in court already.

She also should have ensured that we both took turns at going first. DH jumped in and answered first to every single thing… and even had the first turn at our separate meetings.. and the mediator should have managed that and allowed me a turn to be the instigator. As it was, I was defending and reacting. Not a powerful position at all.

You know, I had dinner with one of my brothers and his family and my parents the other night. And my brother was scathing of my situation. Not supportive or empathic for even one second, but insistent that I have obviously chosen a dud lawyer, and that the boys should ignore the court orders, and that if I don’t change lawyers and get the boys to ignore the court orders, I deserve everything that I get. (Not in exactly those words, of course, but that was his clear message.)

He didn’t once express any support. And once he had passed his judgment, he was not interested in anything further that I had to say, and changed the subject. In fact, he went so far as to clearly imply that he didn’t believe that the system is as I am representing it. I, or my lawyer, must be doing something wrong.

If this had been a friend instead of a family member, I would choose never to see them again.

I can’t tell you how much it hurt me.

And then it pissed me off that I allowed it to hurt me. I shouldn’t expect anything more from this brother.

And I guess I shouldn’t expect anything more from this system. And I KNOW I shouldn’t expect anything more from DH.

But I want to expect more from, and get more from, all of them.

And I feel something inside me has broken and I’ve finally FINALLY realised that “life sucks and then you die”.

But I don’t want to be a person who walks through life truly believing that.

I need time. Yes, I need time and perspective.

It’s still all too raw.

Another goodbye …

January 1, 2010 in Boo, DH, Dad, Mum, Photography, Toto, depression, family, friendship by Fe | 10 comments

Having to take my boys back to DH’s for their THIRD week away from me was just too much this morning.

We were all tired from having stayed up to see the midnight fireworks.

And I simply lost it.

I found things to be cranky about, and I couldn’t stop crying. I still can’t.

Which made it SO hard for my poor boys.

I explained to them that it was all about having to take them back, and missing them so much when they’re not here, but that doesn’t make it okay.

According to them, DH goes to work every day, and has people over every night. They feel like his servants as he tells them what to do in front of his guests, and gets furious if they answer back or tell him that they don’t want to do it.

They spent a lot of time telling me how much they hate being with him for this amount of time.

I know that I should be encouraging them to enjoy their time with him, but the best that I can do is to listen and withhold my opinion. It is SO difficult.

Only one more week, and then I have them back with me where they belong.

One more week.

Right now that feels like an interminable amount of time.

********

My dear ill friend, her husband and their youngest child, came over to watch the 9pm fireworks with us last night. My brother, s-i-l, nephew and one of my oldest friends, his son and his friend also came over. My parents were in good form and it really was a lovely little celebratory gathering.

As a tribute to my Dad, and the way that he developed his Ilford black and white film in the 1970′s… I give you my favourite people.. taken in the very first hour of 2010…

Only one more week….

The Cast of Characters…

November 27, 2009 in Air League, Boo, Child Support, DH, Dad, Mum, NaBloPoMo, Toto, depression, family, family court, friendship, home, post-natal depression by Fe | 5 comments

My newest commenter, Sara, asked me the following question:

“I always long for a “cast of characters” when reading a new blog and i checked your about section and wasn’t given much information i am lost reading some of your posts, wondering who is who and maybe once i read back a bit more, i’ll figure it all out. but that’s what my question is, i guess! who are the most important people in your life and what is your relationship to them?”

I thrilled with this question, as I have never stopped to think how confusing this blog can be to new readers.

So, here is my “Cast of Characters”…

Toto:

… my 12 year old first born son. His passion is flying, and he has joined the Australian Air League and plans to have his pilots’ license before his drivers’ license. He struggled through primary school… surrounded by teachers with low-expectations of him and an idea of himself as “not bright”. Now that he’s in High School, he is surrounded by teachers who admire and appreciate him, and his grades have soared to the point where he is consistently at or very near the top of his class. He now knows that the world is his oyster, and he is a delightfully confident child in all things academic. Sadly, he is anxious in all matters relating to his father.

Toto was 9 months old when his father left us.

Boo:

Boo is my 11 year old son. He is bright and funny and brings humour to our daily lives. Schoolwork has always been easy for Boo, and his main focus is his social life. He’s such a happy-go-lucky boy, except on issues relating to his father. Both Toto and Boo agree that DH favours Toto, and Boo often comes home from overnight visits with a broken heart.

Boo was not born when his father left us.

DH:

DH (Dick Head, not Dear Husband) is my ex-husband.

Some of our story is here on my old blog.

The rest of it is chronicled on this blog.

He’s litigious and mean and I wish that he would move far far away so that my boys could grow up with peace and security.

As it is, he is currently taking us through the Family Court in an attempt to have the boys live with him 50% of the time. Neither boy wants this, and DH has even been advised by the family court counselor that it would be damaging for the children for him to pursue this legal action. The fact that he has not shown an interest in being anything other than an “every second weekend” dad over the past 11 years is very telling. It is very likely that he is pursuing this action in order to minimise future Child Support obligations.

Earlier this year (2009), he took me through Family Court in order to erase 11 years of unpaid Child Support.

He won.

“Her/She” or “my dear ill friend“:

We met in the post-natal ward of a psychiatric hospital in 1998. We were admitted on the same day, and discharged on the same day, three months later. Forming close friendships in that environment is actually frowned upon, as dependencies can hamper recovery. Regardless of this, she and I formed an instant bond, which has strengthened throughout the intervening years.

When we left the hospital, I moved into a house just around the corner from hers, and we helped each other with our kids and with our recoveries. I stayed there for 5 years.

Her husband has also become one of my closest friends, and provides a wonderfully healthy male role model for my boys. Boo is best friends with her son also. A lovely side benefit of our friendship.

She has struggled on and off with her depression over the intervening years, as have I. But in September of 2008, she fell into a deep, dark, terrifying black hole, and she has been in and out of the psychiatric hospital ever since.

It’s been a case of two steps forward and three steps backward. I have complete faith that she will recover from this horrendous depressive episode, but it’s taking an awfully long time.

Mum and Dad:

My boys and I live in an apartment owned by, and next door to, my parents. We are the only apartments on our level, and the front doors are usually open and we wander freely between both apartments.

My poor Mum has had a terrible time of it lately. She has recently lost nearly all of her vision, and is also recovering from a horrendous fall which left her with broken ribs, broken sacrum, broken vertibrae and broken pelvis.

She’s an amazing woman who is managing to smile, most of the time, despite all of this. My boys are very close to her and my Dad, and we love the close proximity.

My Dad is suffering from arterial damage to his legs, and his mobility has diminished quite a lot over the last couple of years. That doesn’t stop him from being a whizz on the computer, and from doing the cryptic crosswords everyday! He has been a particular strength to me throughout the recent court proceedings.

********

I hope that this makes sense, and helps my new readers better understand my daily rantings.

Please ask me questions if there is anything else that I can clarify, or if I’ve left anything out.

xoxo

I saw a whale today!!

November 12, 2009 in NaBloPoMo, Photography, family by Fe | 3 comments

Oh yes I did! It was close to the shore and was splashing and leaping with majesty! Unfortunately, by the time I parked the car to take photos, it had travelled way out to sea.

I was with my beautiful 17 year old niece, and we got to enjoy the surroundings and the glorious sunshine while I snapped some pics of her.

Here are just a few…

*Isn’t she beautiful?*

She’s a surfer…

We spent a couple of very special hours together. She’s just finished her HSC, and is ready to embark on her next adventure. Unfortunately she has to wait for her exam results (January) to find out what University she’s been accepted into.

Jeff… You Are My Hero!

August 14, 2009 in Boo, Dad, Mum, family by Fe | 11 comments

Last night was a LATE night.

In a desperate attempt to recover my lost photographs, I scoured the internet for recovery software. I downloaded two different programmes, waited ages for them to “do their thing” and then gave in to a complete sense of loss when neither of them worked.

This morning I saw that my friend Jeff had commented on yesterday’s post with a suggestion for a specific software programme that just might work

And after a stressful hour or so waiting for it to scan my camera card….. IT WORKED!!!!

THANK YOU JEFF!!

So… here are some of the pics from last nights’ birthday dinner! With ALL credit to Jeff!

Boo is 11!

Happy Birthday Nonie!

Blowing out the candles

Papa

A new skill! (Thanks Ewie!)

It's a tough time of year….

December 29, 2008 in Boo, Toto, family by Fe | 15 comments

I know that many of us struggle through this time of year. I certainly do. Part of it is that it’s the season of “togetherness” and therefore it’s the time of year when I feel most alone.

It’s the time of year when I really notice that we don’t get invited to many things. It’s the downside of being a one parent family. In my experience, most of my friends and family think about inviting other “families” to their christmas parties and gatherings, and that usually means having a grown up man so that their husband has someone to talk to. (Obviously I don’t have enough single parent friends.)

When I’ve been in relationship, this time of year has been busy busy busy. When I’m not, it’s extremely solitary.

And then my boys go to DH. And the dark cloud descends. The sad and lonely cloud.

Christmas Day was pretty good this year. I have one of those families who really only get together on Christmas Day. Obviously I see my parents all the time, but my brothers have full lives which do not include me and my children.

We did have an uneventful Dec 25 this year… not always guaranteed. Toto and Boo were pretty exhausted and a bit lethargic, but other than vomiting in the garden bed a couple of times, all went well.

My beautiful niece Jaz

Papa and Nonie

The cousins

The boy cousins

Boo taking a quiet moment with a new magic set

Harry and Tim …. son and father

Toto in a pensive moment

Father and son….. Papa and Matt

Boo in a less exhausted moment

We were invited to a family “do” on Boxing Day… The little cousins got to hang out together again, and we grown up cousins enjoyed a rare catch up.

Uncle Jim (my Dad’s brother) and Auntie Rose. Precious.

My favourite cousin… Katie.

My Dad

When I was a little girl…

November 12, 2008 in Boo, Child Support, DH, F, Toto, family, family court by Fe | 10 comments

I wanted to be happy. I didn’t want to be a doctor, lawyer, nurse, mummy or anything specific. Just happy.

When I was in my early twenties…

I wanted to NOT have my own children and therefore add to the over-population of the world. I wanted to focus on my career, continue to spend my life living in countries other than Australia, contribute to help make the world a better place, find a kind and funny partner to love and then possibly adopt an unwanted child from a third-world country.

When I was in my late twenties….

I wanted to make my marriage the best marriage that had ever existed. I wanted to have babies and continue contributing my skills to those less fortunate than me. I felt blessed and almost guilty for being so happy.

When I was in my early thirties….

I desperately wanted to fall pregnant. I suffered miscarriage after miscarriage and felt that I had failed at the one thing that I was supposed to be able to do easily.

I wanted to fulfill my husband’s greatest wish as well. He SO wanted to be a father, and my failure to do that easily (yes, medical tests proved that it was all my fault, not his) became a fissure in our relationship.

When I was in my early to mid-thirties….

I wanted to die. I had failed at everything. I failed at being a wife. I was a hopeless mother. I was unable to work. I was convinced that I had had my run of happiness early on, and had nothing but sadness and difficulty in my future. And then…

I thought I was going to die. My cancer diagnosis threw me into a dread that I would leave my boys when they were too young to remember me at all. I wanted to shake their father into changing his priorities and becoming more involved in his sons’ lives. I wanted to live.

When I was in my late thirties….

I wanted my boys to know happiness. And I created a world for them which I hoped would allow them to develop self-esteem and confidence and a knowledge that they are loved. But I was very sad.

Now I am in my early forties…..

I want to be happy. Truly, deeply content. Without concern for the actions of their father. Without a stinging sense of injustice for the experiences I have had with him, with family court, with child support. Without a partner. Without depending on having financial security, but hopefully with a career that can support us without ongoing financial stress..

I want my boys to know that they are enough.