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I think I need time to take this all in…

March 11, 2010 in Boo, Child Support, DH, Mum, School, Toto, depression, family court, post-natal depression by Fe | 8 comments

Remember how the last time I had to go to Family Court, my Mum fell over in the morning and broke her pelvis, vertebrae and a couple of ribs?

Well, this time I fell over.  In the bathroom.  Flat on my back.  And landed on my elbow.

I was winded and in pain.  But it was my poor Mum who needed calming down.  She thought I’d done some serious damage to myself and was absolutely distraught.

After a few minutes, when the shock had worn off, I realised that it was only my elbow that was in serious pain, so, with no time to spare I took some panadol and got in a Taxi and went on my way.

It’s been throbbing painfully all day, and when the mediation was over, I went and got it x-rayed.  Nothing is broken (although my GP is convinced that the radiographer must have missed it).  But it’s still pretty bruised and sore.  And will be in a sling for at least a couple of days (typing is S L O W).

And really, if you’re looking for good news you’d better stop reading now.  That was the high point of my day.

It’s off to Family Court again for us. (insert sound of $10,000 – $20,000 burning here)

The Independent Children’s Lawyer (ICL) and I were very clear about what would be “in the best interests of the children”.

It’s about talking with the children, listening to what they want, weighing up the pros and cons of all possible outcomes, factoring in their ages and their past relationships with both parents, and then working out what would cause them the least stress and the most happiness.

Am I right?

The ICL and I agreed 100% that the best interests of the children would be served by having them spend Wednesday afternoon until 7.30pm, and every second Friday and Saturday night with their father.  Returning home at 7.30pm on the Sunday night.  The ICL spent a lot of time talking about how QUALITY time has nothing to do with QUANTITY of time.  She made a lot of sense, and spoke articulately and kindly to DH.

This would allow them to have the “fun” times with their dad without the horrible stressful ANGRY times that they have when homework, schedules, uniforms, instruments, breakfast, school lunches and strict bedtimes are involved.  She emphasised how much the boys “love” their fun times with their Dad.  She tried to make it sound like a positive outcome for everyone.

This would mean that the current situation would remain as is, with the exception of the Sunday nights.

The boys have been too scared to tell their father what they wanted, and so they each wrote him a letter last night.  Which I gave to him prior to the mediation today.

Boo’s letter:

“Dad,

I really don’t want to go to your place on Sunday nights or anything else.  Things were good before.  I don’t like how you have people over basically every time.  I don’t like the Monday mornings because you are always grumpy and and yelling at us.  And when we’re all ready you aren’t.

Boo

PS. We were going to tell you this, but you had Katie in the car.”

Toto’s letter:

“Dad,

I don’t want to have Wednesday to Monday because it will not work for my situation with my gear e.g. my air league uniform, my trombone, my school books, and my sport/normal school uniform.

Also Monday mornings are very annoying because you are stressed and i usually get to school with not enough time to get organised.

But I do want every second weekend from Friday and go home to Mum at 7.30 on Sunday like it used to be.  And I want Wednesday afternoons still.

Toto”

Well… They may as well not have written a word.  In fact, they may as well be rag-dolls with no opinion or even an entitlement to an opinion.

DH was…. well…. DH doesn’t seem a strong enough acronym for him anymore.  Dick Head.  Deeply Horrible.  Disgustingly Hedonistic.  Doesnotdeservetobe Here.  Yep, that last one feels better.  Any better and more appropriate suggestions?

Where was I?

Oh yeah.  DH was immovable.  And SO incredibly uncaring and insensitive to anyone’s needs but his own.

And not caring what he does to get his own way.

For example, when asked about his past contact with the boys, he said..

“When their mother was INSTITUTIONALISED.. I had Toto every Sunday for two hours….(blah blah)” (the emphasis is his)

Yep, he’s trying to prove me an unfit mother.

3 months in a mother-baby post-natal ward of a psych hospital with severe post-natal depression THIRTEEN YEARS AGO because my beloved husband walked out on our marriage leaving me with a 9 month old son and another in my belly… oh… because he was screwing an air hostess…

Oh my god I was upset.  I actually said almost the exact sentence above out loud… to which DH said “I was not screwing an air hostess” and the mediator called for a break.

Not to be dismissed, his lawyer (yep, CF again) started off with “We have grave concerns about the mother’s medical situation. We understand she is on anti-depressants and has been for years.”

Oh God.. I don’t think I can write all this up.  It’s so upsetting.

I’ll summarise… (my responses in italics)

DH wants to increase his custody by 1 night every school term until he has 50/50 shared parenting.  (He left the boys 13 years ago.  And before this litigation began last year, he had never ONCE asked for more than every second weekend in the intervening years.  In my educated (because I lived with the man for 8 years and I am witness to his relationship with his children) opinion, he is doing this PURELY to remove all future child support obligations)

DH is gravely concerned about the way that I am raising the children.  They are “mollycoddled”.. and his evidence of this is that they refuse to walk to his local shops unaccompanied.  DH is gravely concerned about the boys’ inability to cope with his “grumpiness” in the mornings.  He said that every parent yells at their children when they are getting them ready for school, and the fact that the boys are unhappy about this is evidence of the inappropriate parenting that they are receiving in my house.    ( Ummmmm….. HE LIVES IN KINGS CROSS!!  They see junkies shooting up in his back lane!  The walk to his local supermarket requires passing 3 strip-clubs, and the attached bouncers.  The boys have been walking to and from my house to their school unaccompanied for the past 3.5 years.  Toto catches public transport in and out of the city for school every day, and both boys think nothing of walking to our local shops by themselves.  Need I say more? And I don’t yell at them in the mornings!  At my house they’re quite independent in the mornings and have no problems leaving for school on time.  Oh, DH also stated that Toto wasn’t toilet trained until HE DID IT!  This is insulting, ridiculous and totally designed to be inflammatory.)

DH wants Boo to attend one of 5 incredibly expensive Private Schools, but thinks that I should pay for the first 2 years and he should pay 50% for the following years because he has been “spending so much money on the boys lately”.  (WHAT MONEY?!?!  Jeez.  This one is a killer.  Especially because I was told that I couldn’t bring up anything related to Child Support.  But he can bring THIS up?  Well, it ain’t happening.  Boo does not want to go to any of the 5 schools that DH listed.  And, I’m sorry, but DH has crippled me financially with his litigiousness, and the judge in the financial hearing crippled me financially by wiping the child support debt, so I’m supposed to pay $25,000 per annum school fees with WHAT? What I DID say was “I am absolutely unable to afford any of the schools that DH has chosen for Boo, and Boo has no interest in attending them, which DH would know if he had ever discussed this with Boo. “)

DH is not going to continue to pay Toto’s school fees.  He thinks that I should pay the next 2 years in full, and that he should pay 50% of the fees for each year after that. ( This, and the point before, was brought up in DH’s “private session” with his lawyer and the mediator.  When the Mediator presented it to me, and I said “But DH has signed documents with Toto’s school stating that he will pay 100% of the school fees (approx $1,300 per annum)!  I am completely unwilling to change this situation, especially as the Child Support Agency said that they thought that this was fair and that it should not effect my Child Support”.  The mediator said “So you would take Toto out of a school that he loves rather than pay his school fees? (in an outraged voice).  I was too shocked to respond brilliantly… but in retrospect I should have said “It would be DH taking him out of the school by changing the already agreed upon arrangements.  I am happy to leave him there under the current arrangements.  My actions would not be changing anything.”  But I didn’t, and I could tell by her expression that the mediator will include my “putting money before my children’s welfare” in her report to the family court judge.  Bugger. )

DH wants the two of us to attend counselling in order to learn how to communicate and co-parent.  DH wanted it known that I have been unwilling in the past to do this with him.  DH wants me to pay 50% of the cost of this. (This one is particularly painful to me, as for years… YEARS… I asked DH to attend counselling with me in order to best communicate and co-parent as divorced parents.  He flat-out refused.  And now he’s implying that I have been the unwilling party to this?  Of course, all I could say was “Yes, I am prepared to do this”)

DH wants the boys to attend counselling.  He wants me to pay 50% of this too.  (When, early last year, I took the boys to a Child and Family Psychologist to give them a “safe” place to talk about all of this stuff, DH and his lawyer brought it up as a way that I was trying to manipulate the children, and forbade me to take the boys to see her more than once.  I had, of course, told DH about it before I took the children along.  He didn’t think to object until his lawyer gave him the idea.  And now, of course, it’s his brilliant idea.  I did mention that I would only be happy to pay for 50% of this if he paid for 50% of Boo’s speech pathologist and Toto’s tutor.  I was given no response to that. I was looked at again as though I was placing more emphasis on money than on my children’s emotional well-being.  Oh the irony in that.  It’s all very well and good to organise all of these things, but when you simply DO NOT HAVE income or money to pay for them… what do you do?)

Some other issues raised… I said that the Family Court Counsellor’s report, done over a year ago, suggested strongly that DH should attend parenting classes, and that extra time with the children was NOT in their best interests.  I said that DH had made no attempt to attend parenting classes, and, instead, blamed all of his difficulties with the children on the way that I was parenting them.  I requested that DH attend parenting classes.  He agreed to this. (yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it too!)

DH’s lawyer suggested that I should buy a duplicate set of all of Toto’s school / sport and air league uniforms, and trombone, and cricket gear and school books as this would resolve all the issues.  The ICL and I both refuted this and reminded her that the boys’ objections were about much more than uniforms etc.  I also *gulped* internally because this would be about $10,ooo worth of stuff.

His lawyer said again and AGAIN that she had concerns about “the wife’s mental stability”.  I have never felt so mentally unstable, if feeling mentally unstable is feeling as though you would like to grab a big heavy object and heave it towards your ex-husbands’ lawyer’s head.  Hmmm.  Perhaps she is RIGHT to be concerned.

Oh PUCK (as Boo would say and would get away with).

There’s heaps more.  Obviously.

But the gist is that DH requested lots of things and because he went first EVERY TIME we were asked to speak (that was pretty slack of the mediator – she’s supposed to ensure that we take turns) I was “responding” and “reacting” and did not have an opportunity to do anything other than defend myself and my parenting.

Good thing the ICL was totally on our side with the custody arrangements.

So, now it’s another year or so until we get a date in court.  Actually, I’m hoping it’s more than a year.  If the boys were 14 and 13, there is no way a judge would do anything other than what they wanted.  Or, if it all went to hell in a handbasket, there is NO WAY anyone would enforce a parenting order with kids of that age.

And you know, with everything that’s happened to me so far, I’m not exactly optimistic.

********

The absolutely most HORRENDOUS thing that I learned today had nothing to do with our parenting case.

My lawyer told me that she is representing someone who is in exactly the same situation as DH was in our financial hearing.  This time the case is being heard by a female judge, and the female judge is disgusted with the man’s application to remove all of the unpaid child support debt.

My lawyer is using MY CASE as precedent… in order to force the judge to seriously consider removing the debt.

MY CASE.  AS PRECEDENT.

Used as a tool to remove unpaid child support debts for other scum-bag dead-beat DH fathers.

I.AM.SICK.OVER.THIS.

SICK.

My poor lawyer obviously dislikes the position that she’s in.  Which is why she told me.  She has no choice over her clients (she’s a partner in a large firm).  And she has to do her best for them.  And she is sick about this too.

********

If you’re still reading, well, then obviously you’re a good friend.

I need cheering up.

I need reminding that this situation IS wrong and horrific and that DH and his lawyer are OUTRAGEOUSLY misguided.

Because when you spend all day listening to it, it’s almost impossible to believe that something so outrageous is presented so seriously. You start to buy into their conviction.  Or at least that they might get their way.

I still have a WISH that our family law system has some fairness to it.  Even though I know from experience that it doesn’t.

I can’t read back over this before pressing “publish”.  So there are probably grammatical and spelling mistakes.  Sorry.

Thanks for all the wonderful bloggy-love last night.  You have no idea how much it helped me.

xox

Breathing Underwater…

March 10, 2010 in Boo, DH, Toto, family court by Fe | 17 comments

It’s tomorrow. And I think I’m going crazy. I’m not worrying consciously, but my brain has not been functioning properly. I’m in a fog. Or breathing underwater.

But it doesn’t really matter what the outcome is, or so I am telling myself. The boys are 11 and 13, and nobody is going to force them to be where they don’t want to be. Problem is, I have raised boys who don’t like breaking rules.

DH sent me an email last night. Telling me that he will be “away” for 3.5 weeks from THIS Monday.

According to the boys, he is going to Sri Lanka to play cricket.

Huh?

And apparently he booked it months ago. But didn’t consider letting me know. Why on earth am I still surprised at his nasty and selfish behaviour?

The boys have written a couple of pages of “what they want”… for me to take tomorrow. They have been too scared to tell him to his face.

It will all be over (hopefully) in 18 or so hours.

Fingers crossed.

xox

Back to school…

March 5, 2010 in Boo, Photography, Toto, depression, family court, friendship by Fe | 9 comments

I can’t tell you how excited I am about this!

I’ve gone back to school!  Well, I’m attending a 5 week “Available Light Portraiture” course at a highly respected Photography College.

It’s exciting for a million reasons, but one of the main ones is that I’m doing this with my dear friend Sarah, and we’re both getting three hours a week to pretend we’re grown-ups and use our brain cells for something more than deciding what to feed the kids for dinner.

The teacher, a much lauded street photographer, is someone whose work I admire enormously.  He’s also gorgeous and patient and madly deeply passionate about his craft.  I can’t TELL you how exciting it is to be in a situation where all of the rules are being deconstructed and ideas and opinions are stretching my ideas of what is or is not possible.

Now, like all schools, we have homework.  Our first assignment is quite challenging, and I’ve spent more than a few hours taking and worrying about my interpretation of what is required.  It should be simple, really, but I’ve always been one to worry and try and try to be the best that I can be.

So, I present to you my “Environmental Portrait” of my Dad.

FJL_4777 copyBlogFE

(of course this may NOT be the pic I end up submitting!  It’s so hard to decide!)

All I know is that I am loving this distraction in the leadup to our Family Court mediation.

The boys saw their lawyer yesterday, after a desperate couple of days during which their anxieties have been sky high.  We’re in kind of “lull” right now, until our mediation next week.  Lot’s of hugging and hand-holding going on.

********

My bloggy-lurver Brenda has given me some VERY special  and MUCHO appreciated bloggy love!

Thank you Brenda!  I have noticed!  And I promise, when the mediation is over and my mind can focus on more than one thing at a time, I will fulfill my bloggy-love-recipient duties!

********

It’s been a while since I’ve written about my dear ill friend.  Well, she’s not so ill any more (you have no idea how terrifying it is to write that…. I’m so scared that I might jinx her) but she’s still on her way back to being completely well.  She’s been out of hospital for a couple of months now and although some days are better than others, things are definitely miles better than they were.

xoxo

The Brilliance of the Internets…

February 26, 2010 in Boo, DH, Toto, family court, random by Fe | 8 comments

As I’m sure pretty much the whole bloggy-world knows already, the incredible Martin (XBox4NappyRash) and his wife ET had a beautiful baby girl named Sanne last week.  They’ve been struggling to conceive for a LONG time, and the WHOLE of their faithful internets followers have been leaping with joy at this exciting news!

Dan, over at All That Comes With It, compiled this celebratory video to help us all do just that.  Be sure to check out the dorks 3mins and 56secs into it!

********
I know things have been pretty silent here lately. I’m not sure what’s stopping me from documenting this latest lead-up to a family court mediation, but something sure is.

Toto is not coping very well with it all.  Well, to be honest, none of us is, but he’s the one who seems most demonstrably upset.  Then again, that could well be puberty talking.

DH has told the boys… yes TOLD the boys… that he will be having them during the week very soon.  Both boys are incredibly distressed by this, as they want to actually take away the Sunday nights that they spend with him.  It’s mainly to do with having to be organised for school on Monday, but also has a lot to do with DH’s temper when stressed out by mundane parenting acts such as ensuring that homework is finished and uniforms are on and breakfast is had and lunch is ready.

The boys meet with their own lawyer again next week, and both are going to tell her exactly what they want, and what they don’t want.

Hopefully this time she’ll take more notice of that.

I’m incredibly anxious about it all.  Debilitatingly anxious if I’m to be honest.  You’d think I’d be used to it by now, but my experiences so far have been so negative that I’m having trouble maintaining my optimism.

Still, I know that we’ll survive, whatever the outcome.

I’m just pretty sure that we won’t be able to agree on anything at this mediation, and will therefore be heading back to Family Court for another expensive and devastating hearing.  (insert sound of sanity and money flying out the window here)

The sun is well and truly out…

February 10, 2010 in London, Mum, Photography, Toto, depression, family court by Fe | 13 comments

Whew.  I’m through the dark patch.

Hallelujah!

Man it’s not fun when you’re in the middle of it.  And not much fun on the wobbly edges of it.

Thanks for  your kind words and support.  You rock. ;)

My Mum and I did something together today that we have not done since 1990 in London.

We went shopping together.

Those of you who know me in real life know that I hate shopping.  With a passion.  REALLY dislike it.

But Mum and I went to the local shops to find the perfect present for my tall and beautiful first-born son who is turning 13 tomorrow.

And after we found the perfect pressie, we browsed a shoe shop, an optometrists and a crystal/meditation/hippy-woo shop where we bought 2 beautiful Indian shirts.

And we both laughed about the fact that the last time we did that together was when she was visiting me when I lived in London.

We crawled the Kings Road looking for the perfect blazer for my Mum.

And we found it.

And she still has it!

And now I’m remembering that visit, and feeling really warm and fuzzy and enveloped in my Mummy’s love.

********

So I’m using distraction therapy to get myself out of the dark patch.  And it’s been working.

I’m working on marketing my photography business.

I’m designing my business cards, my flyers, and planning my marketing strategy because I’m determined to make this business fly.

I wish I could promote my business on this site, but I still need to maintain my anonymity in order to freely discuss the family court stuff.

Still, if anyone wants a photographer in the Sydney area… :) .

xoxoxo

Dear Blog…

February 5, 2010 in Boo, Photography, Toto, depression, family court by Fe | 17 comments

I miss you.

I think of things to share with you, and then when I find a minute to write them down… they’re gone.

In fact, everything seems to be moving away from me right now.

My happiness.

My enthusiasm.

My creativity.

Gone. Gone. Gone.

And in their place, meetings with my lawyers.  Documents to be filed and appointments to be made.

Yep, we’re in the lead-up to another Family Dispute Resolution meeting.  This time it’s to finalise the custody arrangements.

If we can’t agree in the meeting, it’s on to another day in Family Court.

My mind seems to be tripping over itself lately.  Does that even make sense?

The holiday mood vanished very quickly.  It’s just like this time last year…. back to earth with a bang.

And the boys!

My.

The boys seem to do nothing but argue with each other.

It’s driving me insane.

Literally.

*sigh*

But I’ve had some lovely photography clients.

Here’s a snippet of the latest lovely family that let me shoot them…

3onBoardwalkSIX7x5

3sittingonBeachFOUR5x7

3onBoardwalkNINE5x7

3kissingStoryboard3lyingonBeachStoryboardAlexOnBeachStoryboardAlexRunningStoryboardS&AonBeachStoryboard

So, dear blog, I’ll try to nurture our relationship again.  I will.

But in the meantime, know that you’re never far from my thoughts.

Just because…

December 11, 2009 in Boo, DH, Mum, Photography, School, Toto, depression, family court, friendship by Fe | 4 comments

Things are pretty busy around here.

I’m grateful that I’m over the last DH dilemma.  Thanks again, Internetz.  You really were awesome.

No, it’s all about the end of the school year and the beginning of the first holidays in which DH is going to  have the boys for half of the time.

He’s never had them for more than a week at a time in the past.  Except when he took them to Canada, and even then, he dumped them with some friends on Vancouver Island and went off travelling on his own.

But now that we’re taking the Interim Court Orders literally, he is insisting on having them for the 20 days that constitute the first half of the holidays.

And the boys are panicking.

I’ve sent DH an email telling him that I’ve willing to have the boys during the week if he is working.  He replied with “I’m not planning to work, but if I do, I will keep that in mind.”.

Fingers crossed.

********

Toto is improving unbelievably with his trombone playing.

Year 7 had a musical concert of their own last week, and Toto performed in 8 separate groups!  He was far and beyond the most outstanding player, and was confident and steady all the way through.

He’s been begging me for a new trombone for nearly a year now.  He’s been using a “Yamaha Student Trombone” for the past 5 years, and has well and truly outgrown it.

The problem is, the trombone that he wanted starts at about AU$5,500.

Gulp.

Last week, his trombone teacher emailed me to let me know that he had organised a special deal, just for Toto, at a Woodwind shop that he frequents.  The object of Toto’s desire could be his for just AU$1990.

It really was too good to pass up, so I bought it.  DH has emailed me that he will pay half, but then again, pigs might fly.

In the meantime, Toto is in AGONY knowing that the trombone is in the building (it’s hidden in my Mum’s closet) and that he can’t play it!!

Roll on Christmas.

********

My Mum had a bone scan today which revealed that her pubic bone has not healed.

This is terrible, but not surprising, news.

She’s been ordered back to bed rest.

Yeah.  Good luck with that one!

********

“She” is much better!!  Finally, finally, finally!

She’s still in the hospital, but has a possible release date of next Wednesday.

I can’t tell you how much of a relief this is.  She’s been frighteningly, dangerously ill and in hospital for over 8 weeks now.

But she’s turned a corner.

********

Just because…

Boo…

Booclose1_10x8

Should I send this?

December 7, 2009 in Boo, Child Support, DH, Toto, family court by Fe | 25 comments

Yes, it’s another “Please Help!” post.

I feel ill about asking DH to move in front of Boo last week.

It’s not just about your feedback, which has been wonderful and invaluable and much appreciated.  It’s recognising that I seriously badmouthed DH in Boo’s presence by asking him to move.

And it’s the fact that DH has been telling the boys how terrible I am for having done it.

He’s right.

So, here’s my draft email to him.

Should I send it?  Remembering that we are in the lead up to a Family Court Parenting hearing.

PLEASE help, wonderful Internetz friends!

“DH,

I sent you an email regarding the school holidays.  Can you please let me know what your plans are?

Regarding last Wednesday… I am sorry that I asked you to move in front of Boo.  He had told me that he was really uncomfortable sitting between the two of us, and I was too.  I should have, however, moved away to ask you to move, or just moved away myself.

I am not comfortable sitting that close to you.  The legal stuff has left with me with a huge financial debt, and a huge feeling of injustice.  The fact that you had offered me so much more money than the judge ordered, and that you thought that it was fair that the situation ended up with you having paid not one cent of spousal maintenance and such minimal child support for the early years when I was on my own and unable to work, and even when I was pregnant with Boo, and when Toto was so small, has left me feeling that you did not, and do not, give a toss about the reality of my raising those two boys in the early years with no income and with major post natal depression.

I am shaking with emotion as I type this.  It seems so incredibly unfair… and I don’t know that I will ever lose that feeling.

I am happy for the boys to sit with you at school concerts and the like.  I am sorry, but I just can’t do that yet.  Our only meetings in the past 4 years have been across a court room.

I never EVER bad mouth you to them.  In fact, I tell them how much I loved you when we were married, and what a wonderful person you can be.  I say that a lot.

I feel bad about Wednesday night because I have realised, in retrospect, that I was badmouthing you in Boo’s presence.  I was so emotional and uncomfortable at the time that I could not see that. I have apologised to him, and now I am apologising to you.

I hope you can understand my feelings on this issue.

Fe”

What would you have done?

December 2, 2009 in Boo, DH, School, Toto, family court by Fe | 12 comments

Tonight was the End of Year Music Concert at Toto’s school.

It’s Wednesday, so DH had the boys after school.  Toto stayed at school to rehearse, and DH took Boo out for dinner.

I went to the school, found myself a seat in the Hall, and then DH and Boo came in and DH sat next to Boo who sat next to me.

*shudder*

He got up to talk to some other parents who are old friends, and Boo told me that he was really uncomfortable with both of us there together.  I told him that I was too, and that I thought it was pretty inappropriate for his father to sit with us.  (It was after 7pm, so the boys were officially on my watch.)

DH came back to sit with us and the concert started.

He stinks.  A combination of garlic and b.o..  Ugggh.

I couldn’t focus.  I put my arm around Boo’s shoulders and DH leaned against my hand.

I swear he was doing it intentionally.

So…

*gulp*

… I said… “DH, I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to sit with me.  I’m not comfortable with it.”

DH: “I’m not sitting next to you.  I’m sitting next to Boo.”

Me: “Boo is pretty uncomfortable with it too.”

DH: “Yeah right! For God’s sake!  I’m only here until 8.30!  What’s your problem?”

(It was 7.15pm)

Me: “If you are unwilling to move seats, then I will.”

DH: “Why do you have to make everything a drama?”

Me: “I don’t think it’s appropriate to sit next to me while you’re taking me to Court.”

DH: “Oh Christ! *evilsniggerlaugh* Where do you suggest that I go?”  (The Hall was only 3/4’s full).

Me: “You could sit with your friends in the row behind”

DH: “Fine.  Grow Up (mumbled).”

He whispered something to Boo and then climbed over the chairs to the row behind, where he laughed with his friends about it.  These people were my friends too… way back when.  I felt pretty uncomfortable.

Boo was obviously extremely uncomfortable, and I asked him to tell me what was wrong.

Boo: “I’ll tell you later.”

We watched the concert.  Toto was in three bands… including the Jazz Band… and it was incredibly good.  He was even mentioned in the Headmasters’ speech because he’s the only Year 7 in the Jazz Band.

DH left right on 8.30.  Before the Jazz Band performed.

And Boo was sulking.

I asked him again to tell me what was wrong.

Boo:  “I was embarrassed.  Why did you have to tell him that I was uncomfortable with him sitting here?”

Me: “Because you told me that you were.  And because I am sick of everyone not standing up to your Dad.  I feel good about telling him that we were uncomfortable.. but I’m sorry if it embarrassed you.”

Boo: “It wasn’t that.  Just before he moved to the row behind, he asked me if I minded him sitting here.”

Me: “What did you say?”

Boo: “I ignored him.”

********

I felt like a piece of shit.  I felt that I had put my discomfort before Boo’s feelings.

Although another part of me is proud for standing up for myself.

We discussed it on the way home.  Toto was really pissed off that his Dad hadn’t stayed to hear the Jazz Band.  He also said he thought it was wrong of his Dad to sit next to me.  Boo agreed.

That’s when I realised that it was the first time in over 5 years that Boo had witnessed an actual real-life conversation between his mum and his dad.

Poor kid.

No wonder he felt awful.

Still.

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What would you have done?

A letter to Toto’s school…

November 30, 2009 in Child Support, DH, NaBloPoMo, School, Toto, family court by Fe | 13 comments

Dear {first name of Year 7 Co-ordinator},

As you know, {Toto}’s father, {DH}, signed papers agreeing to pay 100% of {Toto}’s school fees.  This includes excursions and extras.

As you also know, {Toto}’s father is taking me through Family Court and has already won his application to remove his financial debt to me.

He has not paid any child support since April of this year.

I am telling you this because {Toto} has just told me that you have told him that {DH} has not paid the {school name}’s school fees, and that, unless {Toto} takes $20 to school tomorrow, he will not be able to attend next weeks’ excursions.  This happened 2 weeks ago for the amount of $5 which I paid.

{Toto} sees his father on Wednesday nights, and therefore is unable to ask him for the money before tomorrow.  He is also terrified of his father, and his fathers’ anger around financial issues, and, understandably given the current situation, will not ask his father for money.

I think it should be up to the {school name}’s accounts department to chase {DH} for the school fees.  Failing that, his sister could be asked to remind her brother of his financial obligations to the school.   As a last resort, I should be contacted about this issue.  Under no circumstances should {Toto} be asked to intervene in this matter.

It is incredibly upsetting to me that I am put in the position where, with no child support and with huge ongoing legal fees, I am asked to pay money to the school when {DH} has signed forms legally binding him to be responsible for 100% of the fees.

I have reminded {DH} of his obligation, via text, and he has informed me that he will pay the fees by the end of the week.

I would expect that {Toto} and I not be involved in issues surrounding fees in the future, and that all discussions and communications on this topic are with his father.

Kind regards,

{Fe}

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A note for all my northern hemisphere readers:  Our school year begins in February, and finishes in 2 weeks.  DH is about, oh, 10 months overdue with the fees.

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Happy END of NaBloPoMo!!  Phew!!  xoxo

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