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Mothers’ Day fail (I’m detecting a pattern here)…

May 10, 2010 in Boo, DH, School, Toto, family court by Fe | 10 comments

The migraine didn’t go away, and so my Mothers’ Day was spent at home, in pain.

DH “told me” that I could collect the boys from him at 5.30pm… despite the court order stating that I was meant to have them from 9 – 6 on Mothers’ Day.

And when I did collect the boys, they were absolutely traumatised.

DH had apparently become very angry with Boo, and his anger lasted all weekend. He accused him of “trying to make him look dumb”… (not a difficult feat, I should add)… by talking to him in a condescending tone. This led to a 2-day long rant about how Boo is just like me, and that DH doesn’t have favourites, but that Toto is obedient and polite while Boo is defiant and rude, and therefore he finds Toto easier to deal with.

Interestingly enough, this is the exact opposite of how the boys behave in my house. Toto is a full-on TEENAGER. His tone is rude by default and the selective deafness is incredibly annoying. Boo is still in the last gasp of boy-hood. Both are still affectionate and predominantly polite. And, needless to say, none of this effects my unconditional love for them.

The biggest thing that upset Boo was about his soccer registration.

I wrote here about how DH had gone back on his word and did not pay Boo’s soccer fees. The drama that ensued from that was ugly and embarrassing. DH took it to the soccer club and told them that he would not pay the fees.

Of course, I ended up paying them. And of course, DH has not paid Child Support either.

DH said to Boo… “Your Mother is angry because I changed my mind about paying the soccer fees. Everyone is allowed to change their mind. Your mother is a controlling b*tch.”

I had to count backwards from 10 before I even opened my mouth to respond.

And of course I had to tell my children that “changing your mind” after saying that you will do something is not right. If you do “change your mind” you need to discuss it with the person whom you have made the commitment to. And if it’s a financial commitment, and you owe somebody money, changing your mind about paying is actually illegal.

This is the same man who defended his not admitting to his infidelity when I asked him by saying “I did the right thing. You would have been upset, and so I was protecting you by not telling you the truth”.

Sick. Twisted. Totally ego-centric.

Oh.. and apparently he’s been acting in TV commercials. Great. He’s got 3 national ads coming up, and was an extra in a tv show this evening (which we did NOT watch).

So now I have to see him on the telly. SO NOT FAIR.

Still, the Child Support Agency will have to believe me if I record the ads and give it to them as evidence of his income. He told Toto that he has earned $18,000 from his acting so far.

He also told both boys that I am damaging them, as they have gotten to an age where they need to be raised by a man. “Your mother is not a man, and your grandfather is too old” he said. “You can’t see that you need me to be your primary carer, but when you are older and don’t know how to behave properly as men, you will see that your mother damaged you by keeping you from me.”

*oh god I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or vomit*

He still hasn’t congratulated Boo for getting into the Academic Extension programme at a local high school. “Oh” was the best that he could do.

And when Boo told his that we had also had an interview at Toto’s school, and that Boo has been offered a place there too… another “oh”.

He would never DREAM of asking Boo what he wanted to do. He truly thinks that Boo is too young to have an opinion about his secondary education.

Boo is trying to make the decision himself, with some help from me. We’re writing lots of “pros and cons” lists.

Whichever way we go there will be problems. If he goes to the local school, DH will call the lawyers and say that I made the decision without consulting him. If he chooses Toto’s school, DH will refuse the pay the school fees.

DH has ignored every email or text from me since the beginning of the soccer registration debacle. Oh except one very charming email calling me sexist and x-rated names.

Consult on our second child’s secondary education?

If I thought he was capable of putting Boo’s future and best interests first, then maybe. As it is, there is no point.

Boo is able to discuss it with him if he wants. He doesn’t want to.

Instead, he discusses it with me.

The woman who is “damaging” him because she is not a man.

Brilliant.

Weekend fail…

May 8, 2010 in Boo, DH, Fe, Photography, Toto, friendship by Fe | 7 comments

I had SO many plans for this weekend.

I had a friend from Melbourne visiting last night, had booked 2 days of a photography seminar AND had a 40th birthday to go to tonight.

Which are SERIOUS plans in my neck of the woods.

Last night was so cool. This lovely friend is Boo’s godfather, and has been living in China and the US for the last 4 years. I hadn’t seen him since my trip to Beijing over 2 years ago. It was heaven to just sit and talk solidly for a few hours. Only hampered by his 9.40pm flight back to Melbourne.

But, sod’s law being the rule of my life, I woke up this morning with a migraine. A really not fun one (not that I’ve ever heard of a “fun” migraine) that kept me home from my seminar (which REALLY erked me as it was not free) and struggling with computer screens and telephones.

I finally gave into it, hoping that I would be able to recover in time for the 40th (I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve been invited to a swish do), but it was not to be.

I’m only just able to put up with the computer screen now.

And if I’m still feeling this way in the morning, I will not be attending day 2 of the photography seminar.

The only bright spot? The court order states that I must have the boys from 9 – 5 on Mothers Day. DH, as we all know, ignores the court orders that he spends the big bucks getting, so the “plan” is that they come home at 5pm and stay the night with me.

So, really, as long as the migraine is gone by then….

PS. RIP “Papa Max”. You were a bright spot in my boys’ childhood, and a wise and kind paternal figure to me. You will be so missed.

Sometimes it’s the littlest things…

May 5, 2010 in Boo, DH, Toto, breast cancer, depression, family court, post-natal depression by Fe | 26 comments

Boo is writing an autobiography for a school assignment.

Which should be simple.

But tonight he asked me for a list of firsts.

How old he was when he first smiled. First crawled. First walked. First talked. Got his first tooth. Etc.

And I have no idea.

And no-one to ask.

You see, I was so ill.

The post natal depression that I suffered from after his birth actually began during his pregnancy.

DH left exactly 2 weeks after we found out that we were pregnant.

And 4 months later, he took me through Family Court for the first time.. in order to get half the house and to not have any child support or spousal support obligations.

Our court date was 7 days before Boo’s birth.

He didn’t win. (Although, as long time readers of my blog will know… last year a judge wiped those initial orders. Removing a debt of 12 years of unpaid child support and spousal maintenance.)

And 6 weeks later, Boo and I were admitted to the mother-baby unit of a Psychiatric Hospital. Where we stayed for 3 months. Toto was looked after by my parents.

And so, I don’t remember ANY of the firsts. Of either child.

The depression didn’t really begin to lift until they were 2 and 3. And the minute that it did, I was hit with a cancer diagnosis.

Poor boys. It’s not just me that lost so much time and memory. They lost a huge part of their history. And I can’t get it back for them.

And it’s just so bloody unfair.

Anyone still here? taptap*…

April 28, 2010 in Boo, DH, Dad, Mum, Photography, School, Toto, depression, friendship, work by Fe | 19 comments

Phew. I think all my new political “friends” have moved on to more rancid pastures.

In fact, from the state of my stats, most of my REAL friends might have moved on too! Stats are such funny things. I’m never quite sure what to make of them.

If I have 300+ people reading my blog everyday, I almost go into panic mode. I’m so sure that I can’t entertain or amuse that many people.

Crazily, I’m happier when my blog stats are between 100 and 200. Which goes against the grain in this day and age of SEO manipulation.

I’m spending hours and hours trying to improve the SEO rating of my photography blog. It’s insanely frustrating, but, apparently, it’s absolutely necessary in order to appear reasonably near the top of a search of photographers in my area.

*sigh*

I’m not enjoying it.

I’m LOVING the “making pictures” aspect of my job. But, like life, you have to take the good with the bad.

There’s been lots of good and bad in my life lately.

The bad… huge fights with DH over Boo’s soccer registration and uniform. Really awful ones.

The also bad… a falling out with my dear ill friend.

I’m devastated by this. She became very maternal and judgemental and harsh towards me, and I turned to jelly.

I was so shocked.

So, she thinks that everything is okay because she’s said all that she wanted to say, and I’m feeling judged and ill-treated and frustrated because I was too shocked and emotional to say my piece at the time.

It’s not fun.

But in amongst this stuff has been some fantastic news…

Boo was accepted into the Academic Extension program for next year (high school) at an incredibly good school near us. He sat an exam for this a month or so ago, and we weren’t holding our breath as places are few and far between. I think something like 1 in 10 get accepted into the program.

Well, I most definitely underestimated my youngest son’s academic ability (I didn’t really… I know he’s frighteningly brainiacal (!), but I did not want to risk disappointment). He’s thrilled, especially because he has not wanted to go to Toto’s high school. He’s not thrilled, however, because his father is insisting that he attend Toto’s school.

I think lawyers may become involved. Shoot.

I have lots of pics to show you… but I’m going to leave you with this one…

My parents… after 50 years of marriage. (Oops… Make that 52 years of marriage!)

*awwww*

xoxox

No surprises … just venting…

March 18, 2010 in Boo, Child Support, DH by Fe | 8 comments

I told you all that DH (or FWDH as has been suggested) is on holiday in Sri Lanka playing cricket, right?

Well, today he sent me a text saying “Hi Fe, it’s DH Internet is not good over here I’ve transfered 75 dollars to ur acc for boos soccer rego. My Cc has had no credit to do so. He has been registered but not paid. Thanks”

This might sound like a chummy friendly little communication, except for the history.

On Feb 6, I sent DH the following email:

“DH,

Boo and I went to the (local soccer club) open day this morning, and we couldn’t enroll on the spot. They’ve changed it now so that you can only enroll online.

He did try on the kit though, and we have his sizes.

Can you please enroll him at:

(link to online registration, because, you know, I want to make sure he knows exactly how to do it)

It needs to be done this week.

His short sleeved strip is size S, and his shorts are S as well. He’ll be in the under 12′s. He needs the socks as well (you can buy the club kit for $65).

He will need soccer boots, but not until March 31… they have to wear joggers until then.

The training is on Wednesdays from 5.30 – 7pm at ********.

I know that is going to be tricky, but he really wants to do this.

Thanks.

Please let me know when it’s done.

Fe.”

(side note: the Child Support Agency said in their last Change of Assessment decision that he should pay for extras like school and sport without it affecting child support as they are aware that their assessment is based upon unrealistically low tax returns and is therefore MUCH lower than it probably should be).

And on February 10, got the following response: (in amongst other general nastiness)

“I will register Boo tonight for soccer, we will go shopping for boots, shin pads today.”

Well, situation done. Hands wiped. All good.

Except that he didn’t PAY for the regstration. And, much more critically, he didn’t order Boo’s soccer kit… which HAD TO BE ORDERED BY FEBRUARY 20.

Yep, that’s right, Boo now has NO soccer uniform.

So, I replied to his chummy little text: “Soccer is $295. Where did you get $75 from? You said that you would register him. This is the first I’ve heard of it. Uniforms should have been ordered by Feb 20!!! Do you even care that Boo won’t have a uniform? You can pay them when you get back, or transfer full amount to me.”

And then, because I’m so bloody angry anyway that this just pushed me over the edge: “You have really fucked this up. I am not paying for this as YOU registered him on Feb 10 and did not once mention not having paid. This is extortion. Boo is incredibly upset because they cannot order him a uniform at this late stage. I sent you an email with all the details and you emailed me that you “will register Boo tonight for soccer”. Registering involved PAYMENT. You have let your son down once again.”

Yeah, yeah, I know… who did I think I was dealing with! I don’t expect more than this, but I’m damned if I’m going to let him get away with it WHILE HE’S TRYING TO GET CUSTODY OF THE KIDS. I wrote it all as a form of “note” to give to the lawyers.

And then, because I was still FUMING, I telephoned the number that the text had been sent from (not his own mobile phone number) and got one of his buddies who wasn’t very pleased to hear from me and tried to pretend that DH wasn’t in the room (umm… I CAN recognise his voice. Sheesh.).

So, I telephoned the head of the Soccer club and explained the situation to him. He, very kindly, said that they would wait for the money until DH gets back, but that there’s not that much they can do about the uniform, except try to scrounge some left overs from lost property.

I still had one last text in me, and this was it:

“I’m sorry to use your phone number again, but can you please tell DH that the soccer club with wait until his return for the payment. Thanks.”

But that doesn’t help Boo with his uniform. And he overheard my phone conversation with the soccer-guy. And is also distressed because “Dad never pays for anything for me. He pays for everything for Toto!” I tried to convince him that his Dad will pay for it, but he said “What if they ask me to leave because the fees haven’t been paid? What about the insurance?”

So of course I am going to pay for the registration, because my child’s feelings and worries are worth more than $220. But it PISSES ME OFF.

God that man is a DICK HEAD!!!!

I’m so angry…

March 15, 2010 in Boo, DH, Toto, family, family court, opinion by Fe | 12 comments

I know it isn’t doing me any good, I know it.

But I cannot help it.

I keep stopping mid-anything and feeling overwhelmed with ANGER that DH is getting away with this.

That, even though the Family Court counsellor, nearly 12 months ago, and the Independent Children’s Lawyer, and the children themselves have said that it is DAMAGING to DH’s relationship with the boys for him to have them overnight on a school night, the system is allowing him to have his way and keep the Sunday night until we get a court hearing date.

I am SO angry that the best interests of the children are being ignored so that DH can have his “legal rights” protected.

And I am SO ANGRY that this second mediation, which was only meant to be an evaluation of how the situation has been working out, turned into a demand for financial changes and a demand for DH to get his way…. IGNORING the best interests of the boys.

How can this be, in a system that is supposed to be about the best interests of the children?

How can this HUGE and DAMAGING mistake be allowed to continue?

In retrospect, the mediator was pretty inept. She stated at the get-go that she was a Barrister, and it was obvious that she was running the show like an adversarial system rather than a mediation. She should not have asked our lawyers to provide a history of 13 years of custody. The whole point of mediation is that we try to find something to agree upon and build upon that. Asking for our history is about giving her information in order for her to make a judgment, and was also only ever going to make us feel on the defensive. It should not have happened.

And, she should not have allowed DH to introduce financial matters. It was outside the scope of this second mediation… and particularly inappropriate as we have had our financial matter heard in court already.

She also should have ensured that we both took turns at going first. DH jumped in and answered first to every single thing… and even had the first turn at our separate meetings.. and the mediator should have managed that and allowed me a turn to be the instigator. As it was, I was defending and reacting. Not a powerful position at all.

You know, I had dinner with one of my brothers and his family and my parents the other night. And my brother was scathing of my situation. Not supportive or empathic for even one second, but insistent that I have obviously chosen a dud lawyer, and that the boys should ignore the court orders, and that if I don’t change lawyers and get the boys to ignore the court orders, I deserve everything that I get. (Not in exactly those words, of course, but that was his clear message.)

He didn’t once express any support. And once he had passed his judgment, he was not interested in anything further that I had to say, and changed the subject. In fact, he went so far as to clearly imply that he didn’t believe that the system is as I am representing it. I, or my lawyer, must be doing something wrong.

If this had been a friend instead of a family member, I would choose never to see them again.

I can’t tell you how much it hurt me.

And then it pissed me off that I allowed it to hurt me. I shouldn’t expect anything more from this brother.

And I guess I shouldn’t expect anything more from this system. And I KNOW I shouldn’t expect anything more from DH.

But I want to expect more from, and get more from, all of them.

And I feel something inside me has broken and I’ve finally FINALLY realised that “life sucks and then you die”.

But I don’t want to be a person who walks through life truly believing that.

I need time. Yes, I need time and perspective.

It’s still all too raw.

I think I need time to take this all in…

March 11, 2010 in Boo, Child Support, DH, Mum, School, Toto, depression, family court, post-natal depression by Fe | 25 comments

Remember how the last time I had to go to Family Court, my Mum fell over in the morning and broke her pelvis, vertebrae and a couple of ribs?

Well, this time I fell over. In the bathroom. Flat on my back. And landed on my elbow.

I was winded and in pain. But it was my poor Mum who needed calming down. She thought I’d done some serious damage to myself and was absolutely distraught.

After a few minutes, when the shock had worn off, I realised that it was only my elbow that was in serious pain, so, with no time to spare I took some panadol and got in a Taxi and went on my way.

It’s been throbbing painfully all day, and when the mediation was over, I went and got it x-rayed. Nothing is broken (although my GP is convinced that the radiographer must have missed it). But it’s still pretty bruised and sore. And will be in a sling for at least a couple of days (typing is S L O W).

And really, if you’re looking for good news you’d better stop reading now. That was the high point of my day.

It’s off to Family Court again for us. (insert sound of $10,000 – $20,000 burning here)

The Independent Children’s Lawyer (ICL) and I were very clear about what would be “in the best interests of the children”.

It’s about talking with the children, listening to what they want, weighing up the pros and cons of all possible outcomes, factoring in their ages and their past relationships with both parents, and then working out what would cause them the least stress and the most happiness.

Am I right?

The ICL and I agreed 100% that the best interests of the children would be served by having them spend Wednesday afternoon until 7.30pm, and every second Friday and Saturday night with their father. Returning home at 7.30pm on the Sunday night. The ICL spent a lot of time talking about how QUALITY time has nothing to do with QUANTITY of time. She made a lot of sense, and spoke articulately and kindly to DH.

This would allow them to have the “fun” times with their dad without the horrible stressful ANGRY times that they have when homework, schedules, uniforms, instruments, breakfast, school lunches and strict bedtimes are involved. She emphasised how much the boys “love” their fun times with their Dad. She tried to make it sound like a positive outcome for everyone.

This would mean that the current situation would remain as is, with the exception of the Sunday nights.

The boys have been too scared to tell their father what they wanted, and so they each wrote him a letter last night. Which I gave to him prior to the mediation today.

Boo’s letter:

“Dad,

I really don’t want to go to your place on Sunday nights or anything else. Things were good before. I don’t like how you have people over basically every time. I don’t like the Monday mornings because you are always grumpy and and yelling at us. And when we’re all ready you aren’t.

Boo

PS. We were going to tell you this, but you had Katie in the car.”

Toto’s letter:

“Dad,

I don’t want to have Wednesday to Monday because it will not work for my situation with my gear e.g. my air league uniform, my trombone, my school books, and my sport/normal school uniform.

Also Monday mornings are very annoying because you are stressed and i usually get to school with not enough time to get organised.

But I do want every second weekend from Friday and go home to Mum at 7.30 on Sunday like it used to be. And I want Wednesday afternoons still.

Toto”

Well… They may as well not have written a word. In fact, they may as well be rag-dolls with no opinion or even an entitlement to an opinion.

DH was…. well…. DH doesn’t seem a strong enough acronym for him anymore. Dick Head. Deeply Horrible. Disgustingly Hedonistic. Doesnotdeservetobe Here. Yep, that last one feels better. Any better and more appropriate suggestions?

Where was I?

Oh yeah. DH was immovable. And SO incredibly uncaring and insensitive to anyone’s needs but his own.

And not caring what he does to get his own way.

For example, when asked about his past contact with the boys, he said..

“When their mother was INSTITUTIONALISED.. I had Toto every Sunday for two hours….(blah blah)” (the emphasis is his)

Yep, he’s trying to prove me an unfit mother.

3 months in a mother-baby post-natal ward of a psych hospital with severe post-natal depression THIRTEEN YEARS AGO because my beloved husband walked out on our marriage leaving me with a 9 month old son and another in my belly… oh… because he was screwing an air hostess…

Oh my god I was upset. I actually said almost the exact sentence above out loud… to which DH said “I was not screwing an air hostess” and the mediator called for a break.

Not to be dismissed, his lawyer (yep, CF again) started off with “We have grave concerns about the mother’s medical situation. We understand she is on anti-depressants and has been for years.”

Oh God.. I don’t think I can write all this up. It’s so upsetting.

I’ll summarise… (my responses in italics)

DH wants to increase his custody by 1 night every school term until he has 50/50 shared parenting. (He left the boys 13 years ago. And before this litigation began last year, he had never ONCE asked for more than every second weekend in the intervening years. In my educated (because I lived with the man for 8 years and I am witness to his relationship with his children) opinion, he is doing this PURELY to remove all future child support obligations)

DH is gravely concerned about the way that I am raising the children. They are “mollycoddled”.. and his evidence of this is that they refuse to walk to his local shops unaccompanied. DH is gravely concerned about the boys’ inability to cope with his “grumpiness” in the mornings. He said that every parent yells at their children when they are getting them ready for school, and the fact that the boys are unhappy about this is evidence of the inappropriate parenting that they are receiving in my house. ( Ummmmm….. HE LIVES IN KINGS CROSS!! They see junkies shooting up in his back lane! The walk to his local supermarket requires passing 3 strip-clubs, and the attached bouncers. The boys have been walking to and from my house to their school unaccompanied for the past 3.5 years. Toto catches public transport in and out of the city for school every day, and both boys think nothing of walking to our local shops by themselves. Need I say more? And I don’t yell at them in the mornings! At my house they’re quite independent in the mornings and have no problems leaving for school on time. Oh, DH also stated that Toto wasn’t toilet trained until HE DID IT! This is insulting, ridiculous and totally designed to be inflammatory.)

DH wants Boo to attend one of 5 incredibly expensive Private Schools, but thinks that I should pay for the first 2 years and he should pay 50% for the following years because he has been “spending so much money on the boys lately”. (WHAT MONEY?!?! Jeez. This one is a killer. Especially because I was told that I couldn’t bring up anything related to Child Support. But he can bring THIS up? Well, it ain’t happening. Boo does not want to go to any of the 5 schools that DH listed. And, I’m sorry, but DH has crippled me financially with his litigiousness, and the judge in the financial hearing crippled me financially by wiping the child support debt, so I’m supposed to pay $25,000 per annum school fees with WHAT? What I DID say was “I am absolutely unable to afford any of the schools that DH has chosen for Boo, and Boo has no interest in attending them, which DH would know if he had ever discussed this with Boo. “)

DH is not going to continue to pay Toto’s school fees. He thinks that I should pay the next 2 years in full, and that he should pay 50% of the fees for each year after that. ( This, and the point before, was brought up in DH’s “private session” with his lawyer and the mediator. When the Mediator presented it to me, and I said “But DH has signed documents with Toto’s school stating that he will pay 100% of the school fees (approx $1,300 per annum)! I am completely unwilling to change this situation, especially as the Child Support Agency said that they thought that this was fair and that it should not effect my Child Support”. The mediator said “So you would take Toto out of a school that he loves rather than pay his school fees? (in an outraged voice). I was too shocked to respond brilliantly… but in retrospect I should have said “It would be DH taking him out of the school by changing the already agreed upon arrangements. I am happy to leave him there under the current arrangements. My actions would not be changing anything.” But I didn’t, and I could tell by her expression that the mediator will include my “putting money before my children’s welfare” in her report to the family court judge. Bugger. )

DH wants the two of us to attend counselling in order to learn how to communicate and co-parent. DH wanted it known that I have been unwilling in the past to do this with him. DH wants me to pay 50% of the cost of this. (This one is particularly painful to me, as for years… YEARS… I asked DH to attend counselling with me in order to best communicate and co-parent as divorced parents. He flat-out refused. And now he’s implying that I have been the unwilling party to this? Of course, all I could say was “Yes, I am prepared to do this”)

DH wants the boys to attend counselling. He wants me to pay 50% of this too. (When, early last year, I took the boys to a Child and Family Psychologist to give them a “safe” place to talk about all of this stuff, DH and his lawyer brought it up as a way that I was trying to manipulate the children, and forbade me to take the boys to see her more than once. I had, of course, told DH about it before I took the children along. He didn’t think to object until his lawyer gave him the idea. And now, of course, it’s his brilliant idea. I did mention that I would only be happy to pay for 50% of this if he paid for 50% of Boo’s speech pathologist and Toto’s tutor. I was given no response to that. I was looked at again as though I was placing more emphasis on money than on my children’s emotional well-being. Oh the irony in that. It’s all very well and good to organise all of these things, but when you simply DO NOT HAVE income or money to pay for them… what do you do?)

Some other issues raised… I said that the Family Court Counsellor’s report, done over a year ago, suggested strongly that DH should attend parenting classes, and that extra time with the children was NOT in their best interests. I said that DH had made no attempt to attend parenting classes, and, instead, blamed all of his difficulties with the children on the way that I was parenting them. I requested that DH attend parenting classes. He agreed to this. (yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it too!)

DH’s lawyer suggested that I should buy a duplicate set of all of Toto’s school / sport and air league uniforms, and trombone, and cricket gear and school books as this would resolve all the issues. The ICL and I both refuted this and reminded her that the boys’ objections were about much more than uniforms etc. I also *gulped* internally because this would be about $10,ooo worth of stuff.

His lawyer said again and AGAIN that she had concerns about “the wife’s mental stability”. I have never felt so mentally unstable, if feeling mentally unstable is feeling as though you would like to grab a big heavy object and heave it towards your ex-husbands’ lawyer’s head. Hmmm. Perhaps she is RIGHT to be concerned.

Oh PUCK (as Boo would say and would get away with).

There’s heaps more. Obviously.

But the gist is that DH requested lots of things and because he went first EVERY TIME we were asked to speak (that was pretty slack of the mediator – she’s supposed to ensure that we take turns) I was “responding” and “reacting” and did not have an opportunity to do anything other than defend myself and my parenting.

Good thing the ICL was totally on our side with the custody arrangements.

So, now it’s another year or so until we get a date in court. Actually, I’m hoping it’s more than a year. If the boys were 14 and 13, there is no way a judge would do anything other than what they wanted. Or, if it all went to hell in a handbasket, there is NO WAY anyone would enforce a parenting order with kids of that age.

And you know, with everything that’s happened to me so far, I’m not exactly optimistic.

********

The absolutely most HORRENDOUS thing that I learned today had nothing to do with our parenting case.

My lawyer told me that she is representing someone who is in exactly the same situation as DH was in our financial hearing. This time the case is being heard by a female judge, and the female judge is disgusted with the man’s application to remove all of the unpaid child support debt.

My lawyer is using MY CASE as precedent… in order to force the judge to seriously consider removing the debt.

MY CASE. AS PRECEDENT.

Used as a tool to remove unpaid child support debts for other scum-bag dead-beat DH fathers.

I.AM.SICK.OVER.THIS.

SICK.

My poor lawyer obviously dislikes the position that she’s in. Which is why she told me. She has no choice over her clients (she’s a partner in a large firm). And she has to do her best for them. And she is sick about this too.

********

If you’re still reading, well, then obviously you’re a good friend.

I need cheering up.

I need reminding that this situation IS wrong and horrific and that DH and his lawyer are OUTRAGEOUSLY misguided.

Because when you spend all day listening to it, it’s almost impossible to believe that something so outrageous is presented so seriously. You start to buy into their conviction. Or at least that they might get their way.

I still have a WISH that our family law system has some fairness to it. Even though I know from experience that it doesn’t.

I can’t read back over this before pressing “publish”. So there are probably grammatical and spelling mistakes. Sorry.

Thanks for all the wonderful bloggy-love last night. You have no idea how much it helped me.

xox

Breathing Underwater…

March 10, 2010 in Boo, DH, Toto, family court by Fe | 17 comments

It’s tomorrow. And I think I’m going crazy. I’m not worrying consciously, but my brain has not been functioning properly. I’m in a fog. Or breathing underwater.

But it doesn’t really matter what the outcome is, or so I am telling myself. The boys are 11 and 13, and nobody is going to force them to be where they don’t want to be. Problem is, I have raised boys who don’t like breaking rules.

DH sent me an email last night. Telling me that he will be “away” for 3.5 weeks from THIS Monday.

According to the boys, he is going to Sri Lanka to play cricket.

Huh?

And apparently he booked it months ago. But didn’t consider letting me know. Why on earth am I still surprised at his nasty and selfish behaviour?

The boys have written a couple of pages of “what they want”… for me to take tomorrow. They have been too scared to tell him to his face.

It will all be over (hopefully) in 18 or so hours.

Fingers crossed.

xox

The Brilliance of the Internets…

February 26, 2010 in Boo, DH, Toto, family court, random by Fe | 8 comments

As I’m sure pretty much the whole bloggy-world knows already, the incredible Martin (XBox4NappyRash) and his wife ET had a beautiful baby girl named Sanne last week. They’ve been struggling to conceive for a LONG time, and the WHOLE of their faithful internets followers have been leaping with joy at this exciting news!

Dan, over at All That Comes With It, compiled this celebratory video to help us all do just that. Be sure to check out the dorks 3mins and 56secs into it!

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I know things have been pretty silent here lately. I’m not sure what’s stopping me from documenting this latest lead-up to a family court mediation, but something sure is.

Toto is not coping very well with it all. Well, to be honest, none of us is, but he’s the one who seems most demonstrably upset. Then again, that could well be puberty talking.

DH has told the boys… yes TOLD the boys… that he will be having them during the week very soon. Both boys are incredibly distressed by this, as they want to actually take away the Sunday nights that they spend with him. It’s mainly to do with having to be organised for school on Monday, but also has a lot to do with DH’s temper when stressed out by mundane parenting acts such as ensuring that homework is finished and uniforms are on and breakfast is had and lunch is ready.

The boys meet with their own lawyer again next week, and both are going to tell her exactly what they want, and what they don’t want.

Hopefully this time she’ll take more notice of that.

I’m incredibly anxious about it all. Debilitatingly anxious if I’m to be honest. You’d think I’d be used to it by now, but my experiences so far have been so negative that I’m having trouble maintaining my optimism.

Still, I know that we’ll survive, whatever the outcome.

I’m just pretty sure that we won’t be able to agree on anything at this mediation, and will therefore be heading back to Family Court for another expensive and devastating hearing. (insert sound of sanity and money flying out the window here)

Another goodbye …

January 1, 2010 in Boo, DH, Dad, Mum, Photography, Toto, depression, family, friendship by Fe | 10 comments

Having to take my boys back to DH’s for their THIRD week away from me was just too much this morning.

We were all tired from having stayed up to see the midnight fireworks.

And I simply lost it.

I found things to be cranky about, and I couldn’t stop crying. I still can’t.

Which made it SO hard for my poor boys.

I explained to them that it was all about having to take them back, and missing them so much when they’re not here, but that doesn’t make it okay.

According to them, DH goes to work every day, and has people over every night. They feel like his servants as he tells them what to do in front of his guests, and gets furious if they answer back or tell him that they don’t want to do it.

They spent a lot of time telling me how much they hate being with him for this amount of time.

I know that I should be encouraging them to enjoy their time with him, but the best that I can do is to listen and withhold my opinion. It is SO difficult.

Only one more week, and then I have them back with me where they belong.

One more week.

Right now that feels like an interminable amount of time.

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My dear ill friend, her husband and their youngest child, came over to watch the 9pm fireworks with us last night. My brother, s-i-l, nephew and one of my oldest friends, his son and his friend also came over. My parents were in good form and it really was a lovely little celebratory gathering.

As a tribute to my Dad, and the way that he developed his Ilford black and white film in the 1970′s… I give you my favourite people.. taken in the very first hour of 2010…