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Breathing Underwater…

March 10, 2010 in Boo, DH, Toto, family court by Fe | 1 comment

It’s tomorrow. And I think I’m going crazy. I’m not worrying consciously, but my brain has not been functioning properly. I’m in a fog. Or breathing underwater.

But it doesn’t really matter what the outcome is, or so I am telling myself. The boys are 11 and 13, and nobody is going to force them to be where they don’t want to be. Problem is, I have raised boys who don’t like breaking rules.

DH sent me an email last night. Telling me that he will be “away” for 3.5 weeks from THIS Monday.

According to the boys, he is going to Sri Lanka to play cricket.

Huh?

And apparently he booked it months ago. But didn’t consider letting me know. Why on earth am I still surprised at his nasty and selfish behaviour?

The boys have written a couple of pages of “what they want”… for me to take tomorrow. They have been too scared to tell him to his face.

It will all be over (hopefully) in 18 or so hours.

Fingers crossed.

xox

The Brilliance of the Internets…

February 26, 2010 in Boo, DH, Toto, family court, random by Fe | 8 comments

As I’m sure pretty much the whole bloggy-world knows already, the incredible Martin (XBox4NappyRash) and his wife ET had a beautiful baby girl named Sanne last week. They’ve been struggling to conceive for a LONG time, and the WHOLE of their faithful internets followers have been leaping with joy at this exciting news!

Dan, over at All That Comes With It, compiled this celebratory video to help us all do just that. Be sure to check out the dorks 3mins and 56secs into it!

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I know things have been pretty silent here lately. I’m not sure what’s stopping me from documenting this latest lead-up to a family court mediation, but something sure is.

Toto is not coping very well with it all. Well, to be honest, none of us is, but he’s the one who seems most demonstrably upset. Then again, that could well be puberty talking.

DH has told the boys… yes TOLD the boys… that he will be having them during the week very soon. Both boys are incredibly distressed by this, as they want to actually take away the Sunday nights that they spend with him. It’s mainly to do with having to be organised for school on Monday, but also has a lot to do with DH’s temper when stressed out by mundane parenting acts such as ensuring that homework is finished and uniforms are on and breakfast is had and lunch is ready.

The boys meet with their own lawyer again next week, and both are going to tell her exactly what they want, and what they don’t want.

Hopefully this time she’ll take more notice of that.

I’m incredibly anxious about it all. Debilitatingly anxious if I’m to be honest. You’d think I’d be used to it by now, but my experiences so far have been so negative that I’m having trouble maintaining my optimism.

Still, I know that we’ll survive, whatever the outcome.

I’m just pretty sure that we won’t be able to agree on anything at this mediation, and will therefore be heading back to Family Court for another expensive and devastating hearing. (insert sound of sanity and money flying out the window here)

Another goodbye …

January 1, 2010 in Boo, DH, Dad, Mum, Photography, Toto, depression, family, friendship by Fe | 10 comments

Having to take my boys back to DH’s for their THIRD week away from me was just too much this morning.

We were all tired from having stayed up to see the midnight fireworks.

And I simply lost it.

I found things to be cranky about, and I couldn’t stop crying. I still can’t.

Which made it SO hard for my poor boys.

I explained to them that it was all about having to take them back, and missing them so much when they’re not here, but that doesn’t make it okay.

According to them, DH goes to work every day, and has people over every night. They feel like his servants as he tells them what to do in front of his guests, and gets furious if they answer back or tell him that they don’t want to do it.

They spent a lot of time telling me how much they hate being with him for this amount of time.

I know that I should be encouraging them to enjoy their time with him, but the best that I can do is to listen and withhold my opinion. It is SO difficult.

Only one more week, and then I have them back with me where they belong.

One more week.

Right now that feels like an interminable amount of time.

********

My dear ill friend, her husband and their youngest child, came over to watch the 9pm fireworks with us last night. My brother, s-i-l, nephew and one of my oldest friends, his son and his friend also came over. My parents were in good form and it really was a lovely little celebratory gathering.

As a tribute to my Dad, and the way that he developed his Ilford black and white film in the 1970’s… I give you my favourite people.. taken in the very first hour of 2010…

Only one more week….

They’re gone…

December 20, 2009 in Boo, DH, Photography, Toto, depression, friendship by Fe | 4 comments

The boys have gone to DH’s for the first half of the school holidays.

It isn’t quite as bad as it could be. They’re coming home for Christmas Eve and for New Years’ Eve. So, we’ll see each other soon.

In the meantime I’m house-sitting for a friend, which is proving to be less fun than anticipated. I’ve got so much work to do that I’m coming home everyday to keep on top of it.

Also, I’m meant to be cleaning their pool every day (the poor thing has an ugly green algae infection), but I put my back out moving a huge television into my parents’ apartment, and simply can’t do it.

*sigh*

“She” is terribly ill again. Still in the hospital, and still in danger. It looks as though she’ll be staying there until well into the New Year.

On a positive note, thank you to those of you who have booked a photographic session with me!! I can’t wait to meet you!

I’ve got my first wedding booked for mid-January too. That is VERY exciting!

Thank goodness I’m too busy to miss my boys.

Well, almost.

Just because…

December 11, 2009 in Boo, DH, Mum, Photography, School, Toto, depression, family court, friendship by Fe | 4 comments

Things are pretty busy around here.

I’m grateful that I’m over the last DH dilemma. Thanks again, Internetz. You really were awesome.

No, it’s all about the end of the school year and the beginning of the first holidays in which DH is going to have the boys for half of the time.

He’s never had them for more than a week at a time in the past. Except when he took them to Canada, and even then, he dumped them with some friends on Vancouver Island and went off travelling on his own.

But now that we’re taking the Interim Court Orders literally, he is insisting on having them for the 20 days that constitute the first half of the holidays.

And the boys are panicking.

I’ve sent DH an email telling him that I’ve willing to have the boys during the week if he is working. He replied with “I’m not planning to work, but if I do, I will keep that in mind.”.

Fingers crossed.

********

Toto is improving unbelievably with his trombone playing.

Year 7 had a musical concert of their own last week, and Toto performed in 8 separate groups! He was far and beyond the most outstanding player, and was confident and steady all the way through.

He’s been begging me for a new trombone for nearly a year now. He’s been using a “Yamaha Student Trombone” for the past 5 years, and has well and truly outgrown it.

The problem is, the trombone that he wanted starts at about AU$5,500.

Gulp.

Last week, his trombone teacher emailed me to let me know that he had organised a special deal, just for Toto, at a Woodwind shop that he frequents. The object of Toto’s desire could be his for just AU$1990.

It really was too good to pass up, so I bought it. DH has emailed me that he will pay half, but then again, pigs might fly.

In the meantime, Toto is in AGONY knowing that the trombone is in the building (it’s hidden in my Mum’s closet) and that he can’t play it!!

Roll on Christmas.

********

My Mum had a bone scan today which revealed that her pubic bone has not healed.

This is terrible, but not surprising, news.

She’s been ordered back to bed rest.

Yeah. Good luck with that one!

********

“She” is much better!! Finally, finally, finally!

She’s still in the hospital, but has a possible release date of next Wednesday.

I can’t tell you how much of a relief this is. She’s been frighteningly, dangerously ill and in hospital for over 8 weeks now.

But she’s turned a corner.

********

Just because…

Boo…

Booclose1_10x8

You’re amazing…

December 9, 2009 in Boo, DH by Fe | 10 comments

Thank you.

I’m quite overwhelmed by all of your responses to my last post.

I’m not surprised. I know I have the best blog-readers in the world. That is why I trusted you with such an honest, vulnerable and difficult question.

I’m not going to send it.

You all made incredibly astute and valid points. I have learned a lot from all of you.

I wrote the letter because I needed to. And because a tiny part of me still expects him to behave with integrity.

I know that it would have been gristle for his mill. I know that it would have had no positive result.

I know that it was too emotional. I find it extremely difficult to be honest without being emotional.

You see, I try to live my life with integrity. In all areas. Always.

When I’m in the wrong, I admit it. I will even apologise for an unintentioned slight.

It’s not about how others’ perceive me. It’s about how I perceive myself.

Your words helped me to realise that in this situation, even though it took me a while to “get it”, I didn’t wrong DH. My apology only needed to be to Boo.

I have apologised to Boo. His response was to say “Mum, you don’t need to apologise to me about this.”. I said that I did, because it had put him in an uncomfortable position and that I could have behaved differently. He still said “But I understand. You said what you needed to say. You really don’t need to apologise to me about this.” and so I insisted that I did, simply because I felt that I had behaved inconsistently. He then said “Okay. Thanks” and had a little grin on his face.

xoxo

PS. Next time I will move myself. With no conversation.

Should I send this?

December 7, 2009 in Boo, Child Support, DH, Toto, family court by Fe | 25 comments

Yes, it’s another “Please Help!” post.

I feel ill about asking DH to move in front of Boo last week.

It’s not just about your feedback, which has been wonderful and invaluable and much appreciated. It’s recognising that I seriously badmouthed DH in Boo’s presence by asking him to move.

And it’s the fact that DH has been telling the boys how terrible I am for having done it.

He’s right.

So, here’s my draft email to him.

Should I send it? Remembering that we are in the lead up to a Family Court Parenting hearing.

PLEASE help, wonderful Internetz friends!

“DH,

I sent you an email regarding the school holidays. Can you please let me know what your plans are?

Regarding last Wednesday… I am sorry that I asked you to move in front of Boo. He had told me that he was really uncomfortable sitting between the two of us, and I was too. I should have, however, moved away to ask you to move, or just moved away myself.

I am not comfortable sitting that close to you. The legal stuff has left with me with a huge financial debt, and a huge feeling of injustice. The fact that you had offered me so much more money than the judge ordered, and that you thought that it was fair that the situation ended up with you having paid not one cent of spousal maintenance and such minimal child support for the early years when I was on my own and unable to work, and even when I was pregnant with Boo, and when Toto was so small, has left me feeling that you did not, and do not, give a toss about the reality of my raising those two boys in the early years with no income and with major post natal depression.

I am shaking with emotion as I type this. It seems so incredibly unfair… and I don’t know that I will ever lose that feeling.

I am happy for the boys to sit with you at school concerts and the like. I am sorry, but I just can’t do that yet. Our only meetings in the past 4 years have been across a court room.

I never EVER bad mouth you to them. In fact, I tell them how much I loved you when we were married, and what a wonderful person you can be. I say that a lot.

I feel bad about Wednesday night because I have realised, in retrospect, that I was badmouthing you in Boo’s presence. I was so emotional and uncomfortable at the time that I could not see that. I have apologised to him, and now I am apologising to you.

I hope you can understand my feelings on this issue.

Fe”

What would you have done?

December 2, 2009 in Boo, DH, School, Toto, family court by Fe | 12 comments

Tonight was the End of Year Music Concert at Toto’s school.

It’s Wednesday, so DH had the boys after school. Toto stayed at school to rehearse, and DH took Boo out for dinner.

I went to the school, found myself a seat in the Hall, and then DH and Boo came in and DH sat next to Boo who sat next to me.

*shudder*

He got up to talk to some other parents who are old friends, and Boo told me that he was really uncomfortable with both of us there together. I told him that I was too, and that I thought it was pretty inappropriate for his father to sit with us. (It was after 7pm, so the boys were officially on my watch.)

DH came back to sit with us and the concert started.

He stinks. A combination of garlic and b.o.. Ugggh.

I couldn’t focus. I put my arm around Boo’s shoulders and DH leaned against my hand.

I swear he was doing it intentionally.

So…

*gulp*

… I said… “DH, I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to sit with me. I’m not comfortable with it.”

DH: “I’m not sitting next to you. I’m sitting next to Boo.”

Me: “Boo is pretty uncomfortable with it too.”

DH: “Yeah right! For God’s sake! I’m only here until 8.30! What’s your problem?”

(It was 7.15pm)

Me: “If you are unwilling to move seats, then I will.”

DH: “Why do you have to make everything a drama?”

Me: “I don’t think it’s appropriate to sit next to me while you’re taking me to Court.”

DH: “Oh Christ! *evilsniggerlaugh* Where do you suggest that I go?” (The Hall was only 3/4’s full).

Me: “You could sit with your friends in the row behind”

DH: “Fine. Grow Up (mumbled).”

He whispered something to Boo and then climbed over the chairs to the row behind, where he laughed with his friends about it. These people were my friends too… way back when. I felt pretty uncomfortable.

Boo was obviously extremely uncomfortable, and I asked him to tell me what was wrong.

Boo: “I’ll tell you later.”

We watched the concert. Toto was in three bands… including the Jazz Band… and it was incredibly good. He was even mentioned in the Headmasters’ speech because he’s the only Year 7 in the Jazz Band.

DH left right on 8.30. Before the Jazz Band performed.

And Boo was sulking.

I asked him again to tell me what was wrong.

Boo: “I was embarrassed. Why did you have to tell him that I was uncomfortable with him sitting here?”

Me: “Because you told me that you were. And because I am sick of everyone not standing up to your Dad. I feel good about telling him that we were uncomfortable.. but I’m sorry if it embarrassed you.”

Boo: “It wasn’t that. Just before he moved to the row behind, he asked me if I minded him sitting here.”

Me: “What did you say?”

Boo: “I ignored him.”

********

I felt like a piece of shit. I felt that I had put my discomfort before Boo’s feelings.

Although another part of me is proud for standing up for myself.

We discussed it on the way home. Toto was really pissed off that his Dad hadn’t stayed to hear the Jazz Band. He also said he thought it was wrong of his Dad to sit next to me. Boo agreed.

That’s when I realised that it was the first time in over 5 years that Boo had witnessed an actual real-life conversation between his mum and his dad.

Poor kid.

No wonder he felt awful.

Still.

********

What would you have done?

The school’s response… (updated)

December 1, 2009 in DH, School, Toto by Fe | 13 comments

Dear {Fe},
From the position of Year Seven there are a number of things for you to know:-
1. The boys who’s excursion fees were not paid were told as a whole to
remind their Parents.
2. Nothing will be EVER done to make {Toto} ever feel in fear or intimidated.
3. Please do NOT worry about this fee. {Toto} will have all the excursions
the same as anyone else.
4. You have enough problems without this worry so please be assured that
{Toto} will be alright from this end.

Hope everything else is well with you.
{first name of Year 7 Co-ordinator}

********

Thank you {first name of Year 7 Co-ordinator}.

{Toto} was so upset when he came home. Just the idea that his Dad isn’t paying the fees for a school that he loves SO much was enough to fill him with sadness and confusion.

Thank you again for the reassurance.

Kind regards,

{Fe}

UPDATED to add:

Toto came home from school feeling very relieved and happy. The Year 7 Co-ordinator took him aside today and told him that he never EVER has to worry about school fees, money or excursions ever again. He reassured him that his place in the school is secure, and that he won’t be involving him in any further discussions regarding fees.

What a gem!

A letter to Toto’s school…

November 30, 2009 in Child Support, DH, NaBloPoMo, School, Toto, family court by Fe | 13 comments

Dear {first name of Year 7 Co-ordinator},

As you know, {Toto}’s father, {DH}, signed papers agreeing to pay 100% of {Toto}’s school fees. This includes excursions and extras.

As you also know, {Toto}’s father is taking me through Family Court and has already won his application to remove his financial debt to me.

He has not paid any child support since April of this year.

I am telling you this because {Toto} has just told me that you have told him that {DH} has not paid the {school name}’s school fees, and that, unless {Toto} takes $20 to school tomorrow, he will not be able to attend next weeks’ excursions. This happened 2 weeks ago for the amount of $5 which I paid.

{Toto} sees his father on Wednesday nights, and therefore is unable to ask him for the money before tomorrow. He is also terrified of his father, and his fathers’ anger around financial issues, and, understandably given the current situation, will not ask his father for money.

I think it should be up to the {school name}’s accounts department to chase {DH} for the school fees. Failing that, his sister could be asked to remind her brother of his financial obligations to the school. As a last resort, I should be contacted about this issue. Under no circumstances should {Toto} be asked to intervene in this matter.

It is incredibly upsetting to me that I am put in the position where, with no child support and with huge ongoing legal fees, I am asked to pay money to the school when {DH} has signed forms legally binding him to be responsible for 100% of the fees.

I have reminded {DH} of his obligation, via text, and he has informed me that he will pay the fees by the end of the week.

I would expect that {Toto} and I not be involved in issues surrounding fees in the future, and that all discussions and communications on this topic are with his father.

Kind regards,

{Fe}

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A note for all my northern hemisphere readers: Our school year begins in February, and finishes in 2 weeks. DH is about, oh, 10 months overdue with the fees.

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Happy END of NaBloPoMo!! Phew!! xoxo

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