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On Golden Pond…

January 11, 2010 in Boo, Dad, Photography, Toto by Fe | 10 comments

Anyone remember that film?

It was filmed in 1981, was Henry Fonda’s last film, and also starred Katharine Hepburn and Jane Fonda.

I watched it with my boys tonight.

It’s a beautiful film. It’s about the relationship between a father and his adult daughter. There’s lots of other stuff going on too, but that’s the main theme.

And when I watched it in my twenties and thirties, it echoed my own relationship with my father.

But when I watched it this evening, in my forties, as well as bawling my eyes out for the past, I realised that, finally, I am my father’s friend. My relationship with him has turned around. I don’t long for something that is missing. I treasure all that is there and accept both of us for exactly who we are.

Very profound.

There is also a “just thirteen” year old boy in the film. A boys whose divorced father has him for the summer, but who dumps him with people that he has only known for a few hours for a whole month while he goes off to Europe.

The boy struggles with his feelings of abandonment. Something that my boys could relate to.

It’s a slow film. Filled with emotion rather than action.

Toto was riveted. But, as the credits rolled, Boo said “I don’t see the point of that film. Nothing much happened.”.

So, I have taken away all electronic games for all but one hour a day for the remainder of the holidays and have given them the task of reading the entire “Swallows and Amazons” and “Moomin” series of books. These were my favourite books as a child, and I still have my very own childhood copies for my own boys to explore.

They need to understand that slow and imaginative can be fun. I think.

What do you think? Are my expectations too high?

********

The wedding was all that was to be expected. A big, fun, rollicking country celebration that began in the morning and carried on long into the evening.

Hopefully there will be some lovely pics. Conditions were not prime. It was almost 40˙celsius in the shade, and my speedlight kept overheating. Fingers crossed that most of the important pics are okay. I will share when I have edited.

I am still shattered from the journey. It was about 5 1/2 hours drive each way.

Also, my thighs are in AGONY from the crouching and kneeling and leaning and climbing that was required to try to get the good wedding “shots” without being in everyone’s way. Not an easy task!!

My boys deserve a huge reward for their behaviour over the entire weekend. They were amazing. The three of us were crammed together in such close quarters for the entire time, and they were beyond well behaved. They were also surrounded by “strange” and unfamiliar adults who wanted to know their story and they spoke clearly, looked everyone in the eye, answered questions politely and pretty much blew me away with their mature behaviour.

********

We have only a few days left before our annual beach holiday.

Today we saw “Did you hear about the Morgans?”. What a waste of money!! The storyline had good potential, but fell flat at every turn, imho.

Tomorrow we’re gathering all of their school gear for the new year. And then we’ll find other fun, less expensive, ways to fill in our time.

********

How are you filling in the last gasp of the long Aussie summer school holidays?

Or, for my northern hemisphere readers… How are you coping with the sudden cold spell?

xoxoxo

Another goodbye …

January 1, 2010 in Boo, DH, Dad, Mum, Photography, Toto, depression, family, friendship by Fe | 10 comments

Having to take my boys back to DH’s for their THIRD week away from me was just too much this morning.

We were all tired from having stayed up to see the midnight fireworks.

And I simply lost it.

I found things to be cranky about, and I couldn’t stop crying. I still can’t.

Which made it SO hard for my poor boys.

I explained to them that it was all about having to take them back, and missing them so much when they’re not here, but that doesn’t make it okay.

According to them, DH goes to work every day, and has people over every night. They feel like his servants as he tells them what to do in front of his guests, and gets furious if they answer back or tell him that they don’t want to do it.

They spent a lot of time telling me how much they hate being with him for this amount of time.

I know that I should be encouraging them to enjoy their time with him, but the best that I can do is to listen and withhold my opinion. It is SO difficult.

Only one more week, and then I have them back with me where they belong.

One more week.

Right now that feels like an interminable amount of time.

********

My dear ill friend, her husband and their youngest child, came over to watch the 9pm fireworks with us last night. My brother, s-i-l, nephew and one of my oldest friends, his son and his friend also came over. My parents were in good form and it really was a lovely little celebratory gathering.

As a tribute to my Dad, and the way that he developed his Ilford black and white film in the 1970’s… I give you my favourite people.. taken in the very first hour of 2010…

Only one more week….

Well thank goodness the weekend is over…

November 29, 2009 in Dad, NaBloPoMo, Toto, friendship, home, random by Fe | 3 comments

Sometimes, not often, but definitely sometimes, my weekends are SO hectic that I need a weekend to get over them.

This one was one of those.

Yesterday was filled with running Toto and Boo around to parties and friends, and picking “her” up from hospital and taking her home, before spending TWO HOURS getting ready for a family wedding.

Yep. TWO HOURS!!

It’s because I’m out of practice. Shamefully out of practice! I rarely wear makeup, and my hair only ever says hullo to a hairdryer when I visit the hairdressers. And my legs… let’s not go there .

So yesterday I did the big transformation. This involved:

shaving my legs

finding and putting in contact lenses

putting on makeup

washing and straightening my hair

finding something in my wardrobe that still fits and could be considered “formal”.

*sigh*

My hat is off to all women who do this stuff every day.

It’s absolutely bloody exhausting!

Anyhoo… where was I?

Oh yeah. The wedding.

It was lovely. I cried. But I had to stay sober in order to drive my Dad home so I didn’t cry as much as I would have if someone else had been driving.

And then I was up at sparrow’s fart this morning for another lovely photoshoot with an incredibly fun and gorgeous family…

… before collecting my boys, racing home for the annual “Christmas Drinks on the Lawn” that the Body Corporate of my building organises, racing to friends’ for a b-b-q, and then coming home and collapsing for 5 minutes while the boys carried on as though their entire world depended on being “RIGHT” and making their brother “WRONG”.

Now they’re in bed. I’m processing photos. And I’m exhausted.

I need a weekend to recover.

How was YOUR weekend?

The Cast of Characters…

November 27, 2009 in Air League, Boo, Child Support, DH, Dad, Mum, NaBloPoMo, Toto, depression, family, family court, friendship, home, post-natal depression by Fe | 5 comments

My newest commenter, Sara, asked me the following question:

“I always long for a “cast of characters” when reading a new blog and i checked your about section and wasn’t given much information i am lost reading some of your posts, wondering who is who and maybe once i read back a bit more, i’ll figure it all out. but that’s what my question is, i guess! who are the most important people in your life and what is your relationship to them?”

I thrilled with this question, as I have never stopped to think how confusing this blog can be to new readers.

So, here is my “Cast of Characters”…

Toto:

… my 12 year old first born son. His passion is flying, and he has joined the Australian Air League and plans to have his pilots’ license before his drivers’ license. He struggled through primary school… surrounded by teachers with low-expectations of him and an idea of himself as “not bright”. Now that he’s in High School, he is surrounded by teachers who admire and appreciate him, and his grades have soared to the point where he is consistently at or very near the top of his class. He now knows that the world is his oyster, and he is a delightfully confident child in all things academic. Sadly, he is anxious in all matters relating to his father.

Toto was 9 months old when his father left us.

Boo:

Boo is my 11 year old son. He is bright and funny and brings humour to our daily lives. Schoolwork has always been easy for Boo, and his main focus is his social life. He’s such a happy-go-lucky boy, except on issues relating to his father. Both Toto and Boo agree that DH favours Toto, and Boo often comes home from overnight visits with a broken heart.

Boo was not born when his father left us.

DH:

DH (Dick Head, not Dear Husband) is my ex-husband.

Some of our story is here on my old blog.

The rest of it is chronicled on this blog.

He’s litigious and mean and I wish that he would move far far away so that my boys could grow up with peace and security.

As it is, he is currently taking us through the Family Court in an attempt to have the boys live with him 50% of the time. Neither boy wants this, and DH has even been advised by the family court counselor that it would be damaging for the children for him to pursue this legal action. The fact that he has not shown an interest in being anything other than an “every second weekend” dad over the past 11 years is very telling. It is very likely that he is pursuing this action in order to minimise future Child Support obligations.

Earlier this year (2009), he took me through Family Court in order to erase 11 years of unpaid Child Support.

He won.

“Her/She” or “my dear ill friend“:

We met in the post-natal ward of a psychiatric hospital in 1998. We were admitted on the same day, and discharged on the same day, three months later. Forming close friendships in that environment is actually frowned upon, as dependencies can hamper recovery. Regardless of this, she and I formed an instant bond, which has strengthened throughout the intervening years.

When we left the hospital, I moved into a house just around the corner from hers, and we helped each other with our kids and with our recoveries. I stayed there for 5 years.

Her husband has also become one of my closest friends, and provides a wonderfully healthy male role model for my boys. Boo is best friends with her son also. A lovely side benefit of our friendship.

She has struggled on and off with her depression over the intervening years, as have I. But in September of 2008, she fell into a deep, dark, terrifying black hole, and she has been in and out of the psychiatric hospital ever since.

It’s been a case of two steps forward and three steps backward. I have complete faith that she will recover from this horrendous depressive episode, but it’s taking an awfully long time.

Mum and Dad:

My boys and I live in an apartment owned by, and next door to, my parents. We are the only apartments on our level, and the front doors are usually open and we wander freely between both apartments.

My poor Mum has had a terrible time of it lately. She has recently lost nearly all of her vision, and is also recovering from a horrendous fall which left her with broken ribs, broken sacrum, broken vertibrae and broken pelvis.

She’s an amazing woman who is managing to smile, most of the time, despite all of this. My boys are very close to her and my Dad, and we love the close proximity.

My Dad is suffering from arterial damage to his legs, and his mobility has diminished quite a lot over the last couple of years. That doesn’t stop him from being a whizz on the computer, and from doing the cryptic crosswords everyday! He has been a particular strength to me throughout the recent court proceedings.

********

I hope that this makes sense, and helps my new readers better understand my daily rantings.

Please ask me questions if there is anything else that I can clarify, or if I’ve left anything out.

xoxo

Reality…

September 16, 2009 in Boo, Child Support, DH, Dad, Mum, Toto, depression, family court by Fe | 15 comments

Thanks for all your well-wishes for my Mum.

She’s much worse off than we first thought. She has a broken pelvis, cracked vertebra (L2), broken ribs and damaged sacrum.

She’s still in the public hospital, waiting for a bed in a re-hab hospital to become available. She’s in great pain but is managing to maintain good spirits. Amazingly.

The last few days have been unbelievably tough. It’s been a bit like a slow motion bungee jump. Mum’s fall combined with the court verdict was the moment that I stepped off the ledge, and it took a while for me to really hit the depths of my emotional response. I’m still tied to the elastic band by my ankle, slowly bouncing up and down.

Dad and I met with the Barrister and Lawyer this morning. We have 7 days from the court date in which to decide whether we want to apply for a Hearing ‘de novo’ (a full new hearing) or not. Those 7 days run out tomorrow.

They gave us great arguments for and against a new hearing. The scariest one against the idea was that we may well get another judge who is also “freaked out” by the complexity of our case (the Judicial Registrars’ own words) and who decides to take the easy way out and wipe the debt again. Also, as we would be the Applicant in the new hearing, if we lose the case it is likely that we would have to pay DH’s costs.

The general agreement is that our case was lost simply because the law has changed since our original court orders were written (August 1998). The court orders that we had then could not be written today, but were valid when they were written. The content was okay, but the format and wording would not satisfy current law. The Judicial Register that heard our case last week decided that they were invalid and therefore the debt accrued was null and void. It is a “coin-toss” (my lawyer’s words) as to whether a new Judge would decide the same thing, or would consider both sides’ arguments and make a decision based upon evidence submitted. My Barrister and Lawyer both agree if the case is decided upon evidence submitted, we would get a much better result.

There were several legal omissions in the Judicial Registrar’s summation. We cannot mention them in the hearing ‘de novo’, but we can choose to enter the summation as evidence and to let the new Judge read it and decide it for him/herself. The problem with this is, we cannot get a copy of the summation before we lodge our application for a new hearing. And, once that application is made, the Judicial Registrar is allowed to make changes to his original summation. He could, quite legally, change it completely (although not the verdict) in order to cover his own … ummm … backside. If he does this, and the new Judge decides that the original verdict was fair and just and legal, we would almost definitely lose and be forced to pay both sides’ costs. The fact that the original summation can be changed retrospectively makes my brain warp. It is an incredibly unfair handicap.

It’s a gamble. A total gamble. And I’m not a gambling woman.

So, my Dad and I drove up to the hospital and discussed it with Mum. Both of my parents are ABSOLUTELY decided that we have to pursue this. And, although I am terrified, I have agreed with them. They are prepared to cover the costs themselves, as a loan to me, and feel sure that we need to see this through in order to avoid questioning whether we did all that we could.

My only question is how I would cope if we received an even harsher verdict the second time around. I am, however, prepared to find out.

The fact that we lost, and the effect of that upon my spirit and my mental health, has effected both children. Toto is now worried that we may lose the Parenting hearing and is terrified that they might have to live with DH full time. I have reassured him that that will simply not happen, but in my heart I’m terrified about it too.

I have no faith in the idea of justice.

I have no faith in karma.

I have no faith.

And Boo, upon finding me in tears again the other night, made me promise that I would not commit suicide. What an incredible thing for an 11 year old to ask his mother. I promised him adamantly that I would never do that to him and Toto, but I am devastated that it is even in their consciousness. They are so connected to my mood. And my mood is very low.

I am, however, here. I’m taking it one hour at a time. I’m telling myself that the only way is “up” from here. But I’m struggling to believe it.

Jeff… You Are My Hero!

August 14, 2009 in Boo, Dad, Mum, family by Fe | 11 comments

Last night was a LATE night.

In a desperate attempt to recover my lost photographs, I scoured the internet for recovery software. I downloaded two different programmes, waited ages for them to “do their thing” and then gave in to a complete sense of loss when neither of them worked.

This morning I saw that my friend Jeff had commented on yesterday’s post with a suggestion for a specific software programme that just might work

And after a stressful hour or so waiting for it to scan my camera card….. IT WORKED!!!!

THANK YOU JEFF!!

So… here are some of the pics from last nights’ birthday dinner! With ALL credit to Jeff!

Boo is 11!

Happy Birthday Nonie!

Blowing out the candles

Papa

A new skill! (Thanks Ewie!)

Well, it's a quiet weekend….

December 6, 2008 in Boo, Dad, Mum, Toto by Fe | 7 comments

… but I have managed to throw in a bit of culture (that sounds even better if you say it with a strong Aussie accent and it sounds like kultcha!).

My parents took me along to see a matinee play at the Sydney Theatre Company as one of their friends dropped out at the last minute. The play was called “Rabbit” and was written by a new young British playwright called Nina Raine… apparently hugely successful in the UK, but it did nothing for me.

Still, I love going to the Wharf Theatre. It’s in an old wharf and although the inside has been re-done entirely, they’ve kept the outside exactly as it was when built in 1831. There’s a long walk to the restaurant at the end (and the theatre) and I took advantage of the slow pace set by my parents and their friend to take some piccies…

This walkway is hung with amazing black and white photographs of past Sydney Theatre Company productions. Many of the pics include Aussie actors who went on to become major international stars…. Mel Gibson, Hugo Weaving (yeah… I know he’s really a kiwi) and Rosie Byrne to name a few.

Some of you might know that “our Cate” and her husband Andrew Upton have taken over as the Artistic Directors of the Company. Very exciting….

My Mum and I feel like we “discovered” Cate. We saw her in many Sydney Theatre Productions before she was a film actress and always said “Isn’t she wonderful!! She will be a HUGE star!”. So we’re glad she’s coming back so that we can feel snuggly and proprietorial when we see her perform (!)

One of the loveliest things about this theatre is the wonderful cafe and restaurant at the end of the pier, where you can enjoy a fabulous glass of white wine….

….. while you’re soaking up the view…

Makes missing Toto and Boo just that little bit more bearable.

I love my home….

November 1, 2008 in Boo, Dad, Mum, Toto, home by Fe | 4 comments

Yes, I’ve been away for a week and am therefore delighting in the comfort of being in my own environment. But it’s that very feeling that has inspired me to think about the place that I call “home”.

My boys and I moved into this flat 4.5 years ago after a very abrupt breakup with my ex-fiance. We had a week to move out of his house, and, as I had sold my house to move in with him and was not working for income at the time, we had extremely limited options.

My parents had bought their neighbouring flat a few years earlier. The idea was that it would allow them to house overseas rellies and visitors comfortably as well as providing their grandchildren with bedrooms for overnight visits. In fact, they had ended up knocking down connecting walls and expanding into the new flat themselves…. and were enjoying the extra space.

They generously took us in, under the strictest understanding that this was to be temporary.

And yet here we still are.

Part of it is because the boys settled in to their new school so well. Part of it is because I could never afford to rent or buy within travelling distance of that new school. Part of it is because, gradually, we put the connecting walls back in. And part of it is because we’ve fallen into a comfortable pattern of helping each other out.

And now I don’t ever want to leave.

I love the idea of living with extended family, but the reality, initially, was difficult for all of us. It took us a long time to manage how much involvement was “helping” and how much was “interfering”. My parents aren’t young (they read this, so I won’t divulge exactly how not young they are) and are suffering from some increasingly debilitating health issues. I believe that their involvement with my boys helps to keep them motivated and optimistic. And I definitely know that their involvement with my boys helps my boys to develop empathy and respect.

It’s not always a picnic. As their youngest child, I find myself occasionally falling into patterns of behaviour that didn’t become me when I was 16, letalone now that I’m 42. And they would, understandably, prefer to live in an environment without the noise that my boys sometimes make.

But the upside far outweighs all of that.

My boys and I adore them. And my Dad provides a role model to them that DH and my brothers have failed to provide.

And the views rock!

Happy Fathers' Day….

September 7, 2008 in Boo, Dad, Mum, Toto by Fe | 5 comments

Phew. Thank goodness that’s over.

DH hadn’t asked to see the boys on Fathers’ Day, and, not wanting them to feel neglected by all of the important male role-models in their lives, I was pretty upset when my Mum told me that we wouldn’t be seeing my own Dad on Fathers’ Day this year as both of my brothers had “gotten in” first. One brother had asked them for dinner, and the other for lunch. My boys and I weren’t invited to either gathering.

Luckily for us, the lunch-time brother cancelled at the last minute, and so I took my parents for a drive up the northern beaches of Sydney to the worlds BEST fish&chip cafe (no…. I’m not telling you where it is..). Also luckily (or unluckily?) DH DID ask for the boys at the last minute…. but it was too late. And neither boy wanted to go.

So…. we drove. And we did what families used to do before telly and playstation and ipods. We talked. And occasionally we stopped to watch the incredibly HUGE waves which have appeared after the past 4 days of pelting rain.

We weren’t alone. There were loads of people checking out the pumping surf (man)…