Yes, it’s another “Please Help!” post.
I feel ill about asking DH to move in front of Boo last week.
It’s not just about your feedback, which has been wonderful and invaluable and much appreciated. It’s recognising that I seriously badmouthed DH in Boo’s presence by asking him to move.
And it’s the fact that DH has been telling the boys how terrible I am for having done it.
He’s right.
So, here’s my draft email to him.
Should I send it? Remembering that we are in the lead up to a Family Court Parenting hearing.
PLEASE help, wonderful Internetz friends!
“DH,
I sent you an email regarding the school holidays. Can you please let me know what your plans are?
Regarding last Wednesday… I am sorry that I asked you to move in front of Boo. He had told me that he was really uncomfortable sitting between the two of us, and I was too. I should have, however, moved away to ask you to move, or just moved away myself.
I am not comfortable sitting that close to you. The legal stuff has left with me with a huge financial debt, and a huge feeling of injustice. The fact that you had offered me so much more money than the judge ordered, and that you thought that it was fair that the situation ended up with you having paid not one cent of spousal maintenance and such minimal child support for the early years when I was on my own and unable to work, and even when I was pregnant with Boo, and when Toto was so small, has left me feeling that you did not, and do not, give a toss about the reality of my raising those two boys in the early years with no income and with major post natal depression.
I am shaking with emotion as I type this. It seems so incredibly unfair… and I don’t know that I will ever lose that feeling.
I am happy for the boys to sit with you at school concerts and the like. I am sorry, but I just can’t do that yet. Our only meetings in the past 4 years have been across a court room.
I never EVER bad mouth you to them. In fact, I tell them how much I loved you when we were married, and what a wonderful person you can be. I say that a lot.
I feel bad about Wednesday night because I have realised, in retrospect, that I was badmouthing you in Boo‘s presence. I was so emotional and uncomfortable at the time that I could not see that. I have apologised to him, and now I am apologising to you.
I hope you can understand my feelings on this issue.
Fe”
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That’s a hard one Fe. I don’t know DH. It sounds like a wonderfully open and honest email to him, but what I am afraid of is, that he might use it against you (in court or elsewhere0. And that can’t be the whole idea of the email.
Would it make you feel better if you send it or would it make you feel better towards Boo? I think you have done the most important thing: apologise to Boo. All the rest is inside you (your heart, your mind). I don’t think you were asking too much from him by requesting him to sit elsewhere. Maybe see it in perspective and see that you stood up for YOUR feelings in front of your son. That is worth a lot in my book.
Good luck with your decision. -
So tough, Fe. I don’t think it would be wise to send this with court issues still unresolved. You never know how, or if, this will be used and so I don’t think it would be wise to put anything in print. If you feel compelled to apologise I would think that doing it over the phone would be better (but probably much more difficult). Really, I think the main thing is to make sure that Boo is OK and to concentrate your energies on him and not on DH.
However, I have never been in your situation and don’t really know what is best so take my advice with a rather large box of iodine fortified saxa salt.
Take a deep breath, acknowledge to yourself that you would have liked to have acted differently, speak with Boo about it and then step forward leaving this behind you. No-one is perfect, even mums mess up sometimes and I am sure that Boo will understand.
Wishing you well,
A -
Oh love, I can see that this is eating you up inside:( Here’s my opinion for what its worth…
Don’t send it. DH has shown you time and again that he is an arrogant arsehole who doesn’t care at all about your feelings, so he is unlikely to cut you any slack or change his behaviour based on your email. Honestly, I don’t think you owe him an apology. It was perfectly reasonable that you didn’t want to sit near him after the way he has treated you. The only issue is that it happened in front of Boo, and you are dealing with that. I think you do an amazing job of sheilding them from your opinion of him, but I’m sure they know its difficult. You are explaining it to Boo and discussing how it made him feel – that is the best thing (and please don’t beat yourself up too much about that – you are human and entitled to have feelings and emotions). With the hearing coming up I wouldn’t give him any more ammunition or the satisfaction of knowing that this upset you.
((hugs))
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Okay, male perspective: Don’t send it. He’ll see it as a “win”. He has proven time and again that his arrogance has no limit, and seeing this in writing will only boost his feeling of superiority. And if he has it in writing, parts could easily be extracted and taken out of context and turned into something that he could use against you in court.
You don’t owe him anything, and most especially not an apology. Don’t send this.
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I agree with both Amelia and Eveline – this is super tough. And I am not in your shoes, and I don’t know DH. In the end you have to do what you feel most comfortable with – this is your life not ours! As you know I feel the absolute deepest empathy for you and what I might see as the right course of action just may not be where you are at in the process you are going through.
But my 2cents is no, don’t send it. I say it for a couple of reasons.
Firstly I would definitely fear how it might be used at a later date – from my distance I suspect the absolute worst and I wouldn’t put anything this honest and open in writing. More than that – I wouldn’t put anything at all ever in writing with regards to him. You have to be much more guarded against him. I would encourage you to be very careful about what’s on this blog too.
But secondly I don’t really know why you would want to send this – are you clear about why and what you hope will come from it? We all make mistakes, don’t beat yourself up about that! I think given the situation between the two of you I don’t feel you owe him an apology. So long as your kids understand that’s what matters. Feel confident that they forgive you, I am totally 110% sure they do. And because the letter covers quite a few accusations about his behaviour in the past, any apology is lost and you are likely to make him angry and lead to another round of retaliatory behaviour.
I wonder if you want him to ‘understand’, to see what you did in the light of where you are coming from, but it seems to me really unlikely that he can. He has amply demonstrated that he doesn’t see things your way, that he cares not for your welfare or emotional state, that he will not play fair…the more you try to get him to do that the more you are entrenching that divide between you. I am not in any way defending him or suggesting you should be conciliatory, but in realistic terms I just can’t see anything good coming from trying to have a reasonable conversation with him – especially one that points out that he has so utterly wronged you and the boys.
The bolshie in me thinks you need to present a strong front to him because in showing him you are hurt you make yourself a more attractive victim. People pick fights with people they are confident they can win against, so I would be trying to keep my distance from him as much as I could.
Gosh I hope that’s a help and not a load of garbled and unhelpful rubbish! My thoughts are with you. Sx
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I agree with all of the above, don’t send it. He’ll twist it and somehow use it against you.
Maybe you wish you handled the situation differently but an apology and explanation to Boo covers that. I don’t think your request to DH was unreasonable and you were as polite as you could have been given the circumstances. You owe him nothing.
Now go and put all your energies into something worthwhile and not that useless piece of @#$%. (I say that with love)
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Oh goodness Fe. I’m so sorry that you are feeling so stressed about this.
I have to agree with others about this. I think that although I can’t really see how right now these things have a way of being twisted around. I worry that he would use it against you somehow.
I’m glad that you have talked to the boys about it. I want to remind you though that, even though you now feel like some of what was said or done was not ok, you can’t be “perfect” and control all your emotions all of the time and in some ways it is good for the boys to know that you can make a “mistake” and apologise and think better of it later. For what it’s worth I don’t think that you were really out of line but obviously my opinion is coloured by my own experiences. I do worry that the DH is using this as a manipulative tool with the kids. That is not your fault and if you have smoothed things over with the boys on your end you can’t protect them from his bad behaviour. Don’t get me wrong, it’s horrible that the boys should suffer but it’s just not your fault. He’s responsible for his own behaviour.
Hugs.
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What they said.
In particular, I don’t see any likely outcome other than DH feeling smug and superior.
Looking back at your previous post…
DH: What’s your problem?
DH: Why do you have to make everything a drama?
DH: *evilsniggerlaugh*
DH: Grow Upversus
Me (to DH): I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to sit with me. I’m not comfortable with it.
Me (to Boo): I am sick of everyone not standing up to your Dad. I feel good about telling him that we were uncomfortable.. but I’m sorry if it embarrassed you.So who is badmouthing who here? Oh, and here he is telling them how terrible you are for doing this. I’m sorry, I disagree with you. He’s not right when he says that. He’s an insensitive, hypocrite. His behaviour is worse than what he’s accusing you of doing, and by your account, there’s not much truth in his accusation.
You are a great mum. You were honest and polite in a very stressful and uncomfortable situation. How would you want the boys to deal with a situation in which they’re uncomfortable with something? I think you’ve modelled a mature response, which they can learn from. Don’t buy into the guilt trip.
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Amen to what everyone had said. Don’t send it Fe lest it comes back and bite you in the bum. Just my two cents hon.XO
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Fe, I have to agree with everyone above. Your concern in all of this is for Boo and how he feels and you have talked to him and explained how you were feeling. DH does not deserve an apology and I believe strongly that he doesn’t deserve an explanation either, he is not worthy of even that kind of consideration. I too worry he will use it as ammunition against you in some twisted way. I would hate for him to even think he has “won” by thinking you were making a drama out of something. Or even worse, that he has manipulated the situation into a drama where you feel you owe him an apology. Sorry this is garbled.
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I wouldn’t send it either. It sounds as though he would be the sort of person who would use it against you later. As long as your son has had an explanation – leave it at that.
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Fe, I too agree with the sentiments above -he will take it as a win and twist it somehow in court. BUT if you feel you must send something I’d leave out the big 3rd paragraph (& maybe the 4th) -he KNOWs that stuff and obviously couldn’t give a toss.
You explained yourself to Boo -he is the important one along with YOU.
hugs -
IF you do end up sending it – this line MUST go:
“I am shaking with emotion as I type this. It seems so incredibly unfair… and I don’t know that I will ever lose that feeling.”
You 100% have to keep emotions out of this. THAT’S WHAT HE GETS OFF ON!!! He will love that he gets your goat, even when YOU are apologizing to him.
If you must send something, you must rewrite it in the most clinical manner possible!
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Personally, I wouldn’t do it in writing. If you need to apologise (and I totally understand that as a principled person you feel that you should, but do it face to face so he can’t use it against you in court. And, when you do, write a journal entry of your understanding of the conversation, so you can plausibly deny whatever machinations he sets in place.
Sorry, but I don’t trust him.
Love you!
Oh, and I don’t think that you need to apologise. Manners is one thing, but all bets are off with that slimeball!
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no time for the previous comments, but my gut reaction is NO! don’t send anything. first off, you feel bad, you acknowledged that to the boys and apologized, and that’s all you need to do. you don’t owe their dad an apology on this one imho. now if he were a civilized, REGULAR kind of human being, maybe things would be different. he’d likely view this message as a ploy to guilt him into giving you more money…which he’s not going to do unless mandated (and even then it’s questionable), and it gives him some of your power. he knows he’s being a kidneystone…you telling him that he’s hurt you and you’re upset isn’t going to do anything but satisfy him.
this is my take on the man from thousands of miles away. may be off, but it’s my gut response. i’d let it go. ♥
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on you blue spot on le xox
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no no no and no.
do not send it.
he will only use it against you at a later date.ok……you feel you made a mistake….well thats ok.we all do that.
move on.
dont let him have anymore power over you.hugs hugs hugs
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Hi Fe,
don’t send it. But not for the reason that he may use it against you. I have the feeling that you need to tell him how hurt you are the way he has treated you in the past, make hi understand. Unfortunately he is not going to give a t… about how you feel – and you have opened yourself up, have left yourself vulnerable. Just state the fact that you regret the action on that night in front of the kids. Don’t tell him you felt uncomfortable maybe tell him that you would appreciate it if he respected your privacy and sat somewhere else in future.. And let the boys know that you have told him, it would demonstrate a lot of integrity.
On a different note, do you remember Mev, my old ex-neighbour? He died 6 weeks ago – and I didnt even know about until 6 weeks later. He went to hospital a few days after i visited him over a cup of tea, was in intensive care for a few days for problems with his lung and then didn’t want anymore help (almost like his heart attack a few years ago where I had to drag him to hospital. My other neighbour next door died as well, he just didnt want to live anymore. Oh, an my goldfish died – after 7.5 years -feels weird being home all alone
When are we going to have our beer or two
)Keep strong and look after yourself,
W. -
nooooo no no noooo noooooooo and in case I was too subtle no.
no because I love you and no because he does not, no because you are an amazing mum and no because you are brave and strong and good and decent, no because he does not need this to thrive, no because let him think what he likes because HE DOES NOT MATTER.
You have taken Boo into your confidence and explained this very adult situation with compasion and wisdom that I would never have. Boo will learn the life lesson here – DH never will so don’t waste the investment on him.
be brave fe, you did nothing to deserve this situation, close the door on it and forgive yourself if you must, although in my books there is nothing that needs forgiving, just understanding and you have that from your boys le xoxoxoxo
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I’m an emphatic NO! Please don’t!
Apologise to Boo as much as you feel you need to, but PLEASE don’t let that drop kick know that he has sparked emotional turmoil within you. He will only use it to his advantage in the future, and know where to aim his blows.
xoxox
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Dear, dear Fe, don’t send it and don’t apologise to DH. You gave Boo an example of your integrity and that ‘s enough.
Big hugs -
Hi Fe,
Reading your blog sometimes I think maybe you should read a book from Eckhart Tolle ” A New earth”. He explains a certain behaviour of people that he calls “the pain body”. I have the impression that DH has a huge “pain body” and maybe reading the book it would help you to know how to react to him… although I think it must be VERY VERY difficult!! from us outsiders reading your posts we can see very clear how he loves to provoke you and push you as far as he can until you scream. It seems to me that he has a pleasure in hurting you.
I don’t comment much on your blog just because I don’t have much energy due to illness but several times I thought of mention this book to you.
My opinion about the email? don’t send it.. his intention is just to make you scream, if you show indifference to his behaviour he loses his power.
hugs, -
Fe, I’m going to go against the grain here and say I think you should send it, but with a few modifications first.
I’d remove the emotional aspect from it and some of the historical elements of it.
Perhaps just keep it short and to the point, focussing solely on the events of that evening, i.e. “I’m uncomfortable sitting with you, I acted inappropriately and for that I apologise.”
I think by doing so you get to keep the moral high ground and no one can say that you’ve been arrogant or pigheaded. I think also it shows the boys that you can accept when you’ve been in the wrong (if you feel you have been) and can hold your hand up and say sorry.
Good luck with whatever you decide. -
Major ditto here on not sending it. As I read it, I could see how he could twist it. Talk to Boo about the incident and how it affected him, but do not communicate about it to DH. He would use it and twist and it and consider it awin that he got to you enough for you to send it.
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My gut reaction is don’t send it.
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