There are no words that can describe the joy in my home when my boys return from time spent with their Dad.
I guess it’s a little like all of us have a tiny fear that when they’re at their Dad’s, they may never return.
Unfounded. Completely. But there, never the less.
It lasts a good 10 – 15 minutes nowadays. When they were little it lasted a bit longer. But, at their current age, my boys are too full of “being on their best behaviour” when they’re at their Dad’s, and they can’t wait to let it all out and start squabbling when they get home. And finding reasons to be angry with me.
And I don’t mind.
Experience has taught me that, as long as I don’t personalise it, it doesn’t last long.
It’s hard not to personalise it. It really is. My excitement levels are high, and I always feel disappointment when “reality” sets in so quickly.
But I’ve learned that it’s got nothing to do with me.
It’s all about the relief of being home. Being in an environment where there are consistent consequences for their behaviour. An environment where they aren’t scared of their parent.
They’re testing me to make sure nothing has changed in their absence.
So I calmly remind them that I love them and that I’m glad to have them home, but that this behaviour is not acceptable.
That’s all it takes.
*sigh*
I wonder if this happens in every single-parent home.
Do you know?
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Oh yes still, after more than 10 years and now even though we are 14.5 and 16, we still follow mum around for a couple of days! Constantly running into one or the other!. Then it settles again. Until next time….
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Not just in single parent homes. It is much better for us these days but our kids have always needed some time to readjust when they get home from their Dad’s. When Rhu was younger it would be days and days of bad behaviour and him “testing” us. The kid’s Dad is inconsistent, at times cruel and very insensitive so I’m not surprised they are disrupted by it. Like you I know that it’ll pass and they’ll be back to normal soon but it is disappointing sometimes when you’ve been missing them and they come home and are awful. Poor kids really.
xx -
Even though I know my girls have a great time with their Dad and are not scared of him or unhappy, they still take it out on me when they get home. It’s getting better but there’s usually a period of time when they’re fractious and unreasonable and teary and tired so I try to keep those Sunday nights as relaxed and “normal” as possible with lots of togetherness time.
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You bet.
And yes, not just single parent families! It happens with any big separations, or major stresses that require ‘keeping it together’ when that is hard. Home (mum) is where the cork comes out of the bottle and all the hard unprocessed stuff comes out. Boundaries and love are tested, but also just because it is a safe place to process all that shit, to be imperfect, to not have to try and win approval and get it right 24/7.
And at times that sucks for a lot of mums, but you are so right that it is not personal – well it is personal in as much as they are so confident of your unconditional love that they can be that way with you – but the bad stuff is the opposite of personal. They are bringing to you all the shit from *out there* so you can help them deal with it.
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What a great way to look at that behaviour – and your completely right! It’s all being back in their environment , with the parent they feel safe and loved with.
Gosh you provide me with such a great insight
xoxox -
And not just with Dad’s. While hubby and I were separated due to job situations last year, my kids went to their grandparents every second weekend, and always came home with the same reaction. Kids everywhere are the same. Oh, I just watched the video re:becoming a teenager – it was hilarious. my oldest turns 13 soon, we already see the signs.
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