Reality…

Thanks for all your well-wishes for my Mum.

She’s much worse off than we first thought.  She has a broken pelvis, cracked vertebra (L2), broken ribs and damaged sacrum.

She’s still in the public hospital, waiting for a bed in a re-hab hospital to become available.  She’s in great pain but is managing to maintain good spirits.  Amazingly.

The last few days have been unbelievably tough.  It’s been a bit like a slow motion bungee jump.  Mum’s fall combined with  the court verdict was the moment that I stepped off the ledge, and it took a while for me to really hit the depths of my emotional response.  I’m still tied to the elastic band by my ankle, slowly bouncing up and down.

Dad and I met with the Barrister and Lawyer this morning.  We have 7 days from the court date in which to decide whether we want to apply for a Hearing ‘de novo’ (a full new hearing) or not.  Those 7 days run out tomorrow.

They gave us great arguments for and against a new hearing.  The scariest one against the idea was that we may well get another judge who is also “freaked out” by the complexity of our case (the Judicial Registrars’ own words) and who decides to take the easy way out and wipe the debt again.  Also, as we would be the Applicant in the new hearing, if we lose the case it is likely that we would have to pay DH’s costs.

The general agreement is that our case was lost simply because the law has changed since our original court orders were written (August 1998).  The court orders that we had then could not be written today, but were valid when they were written.  The content was okay, but the format and wording would not satisfy current law.  The Judicial Register that heard our case last week decided that they were invalid and therefore the debt accrued was null and void.  It is a “coin-toss” (my lawyer’s words) as to whether a new Judge would decide the same thing, or would consider both sides’ arguments and make a decision based upon evidence submitted. My Barrister and Lawyer both agree if the case is decided upon evidence submitted, we would get a much better result.

There were several legal omissions in the Judicial Registrar’s summation.  We cannot mention them in the hearing ‘de novo’, but we can choose to enter the summation as evidence and to let the new Judge read it and decide it for him/herself.  The problem with this is, we cannot get a copy of the summation before we lodge our application for a new hearing.  And, once that application is made, the Judicial Registrar is allowed to make changes to his original summation.  He could, quite legally, change it completely (although not the verdict) in order to cover his own … ummm … backside.  If he does this, and the new Judge decides that the original verdict was fair and just and legal, we would almost definitely lose and be forced to pay both sides’ costs.  The fact that the original summation can be changed retrospectively makes my brain warp.  It is an incredibly unfair handicap.

It’s a gamble.  A total gamble.  And I’m not a gambling woman.

So, my Dad and I drove up to the hospital and discussed it with Mum.  Both of my parents are ABSOLUTELY decided that we have to pursue this.  And, although I am terrified, I have agreed with them.  They are prepared to cover the costs themselves, as a loan to me, and feel sure that we need to see this through in order to avoid questioning whether we did all that we could.

My only question is how I would cope if we received an even harsher verdict the second time around.  I am, however, prepared to find out.

The fact that we lost, and the effect of that upon my spirit and my mental health, has effected both children.  Toto is now worried that we may lose the Parenting hearing and is terrified that they might have to live with DH full time.  I have reassured him that that will simply not happen, but in my heart I’m terrified about it too.

I have no faith in the idea of justice.

I have no faith in karma.

I have no faith.

And Boo, upon finding me in tears again the other night, made me promise that I would not commit suicide.  What an incredible thing for an 11 year old to ask his mother.  I promised him adamantly that I would never do that to him and Toto, but I am devastated that it is even in their consciousness.  They are so connected to my mood.  And my mood is very low.

I am, however, here.  I’m taking it one hour at a time.  I’m telling myself that the only way is “up” from here.  But I’m struggling to believe it.